(sound of meditation)

ED: Uh, sir? Sir? ooh! Sir!

MASTER: Who disturbs our meditation as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

ED: Me. Ed Gruberman.

MASTER: Ah...Ed...Gruberman.

ED: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, how long is this going to take?

MASTER: Tai Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.

ED: So like, what, an hour or so?

MASTER: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.

ED: Yeah, yeah, yeah, patience - how long will that take?

MASTER: Time has no meaning. To a true student of Tai Kwan Leep, a year is as a day ...

ED: A YEAR!?? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas!

(melodramatic pseudo-karate shouts)

MASTER: Beat people up.

ED: Yeah, just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for!

(more Bruce-Lee-on-Looney-Toons sounds)

MASTER: The only use of Tai Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the Great Teacher.

ED: Yeah, well, the best defense is a good offense! You know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice." ...

MASTER: Um ... Tai Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us.

(meditation sound resumes)

ED: Listen, shrimp! Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I going to have to start wipin' the walls with you?

MASTER: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tai Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.

ED: All right, finally some action!

MASTER: Observe closely, class. Boot to the head.

(sound of whooshing air, followed by a resounding thump)

ED: OWWWWW!! You booted me in the head!!

MASTER: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Tai Kwan Leep so soon. Now we continue.

(meditation resumes)

ED: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now, shorty! Huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)

ED: Ow! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now ...

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)

ED: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

MASTER: Now, class, we shall return to our ...

NOVICE: Master?

MASTER: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

NOVICE: Many apologies, master, but I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.

MASTER: What do you mean?

NOVICE: I want to boot some head, too.

MASTER: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

NOVICE: Yes, Master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.

MASTER: Very good.

NOVICE: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head!

(sound of whooshing air, but no thump)

MASTER: You missed.

NOVICE: Uh, yeah, well ...

MASTER: You, too, shall be honored to learn a lesson.

NOVICE: Well, you know, I could lea- ... you don't have to, you know ... I gotta be going ....

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)

NOVICE: UUAAAAAGH!!

MASTER: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

ANOTHER NOVICE: Uh, yes, Master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.

MASTER: You gain wisdom, child.

ANOTHER NOVICE: So we'll have to gang up on ya! Get him, guys!

(sound of commotion)

MASTER: Boot to the head. Boot - (sounds of effort)

(commotion dies down)

MASTER: Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the candle in meditation. So.

(meditation resumes)

MASTER: Very good, class.