You may be Lutheran if...


...your entire recipe collection consists only of back issues of County Magazine's "Taste of Home". only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season. didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.

...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.

...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.

...during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.

...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook. think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual. have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one. forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.

...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes. make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then. don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.

...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality. don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then. response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here. think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.

...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color. make change in the offering plate for a ten.

...your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran. think butter is a spice.

...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot. have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry. know what a "dead spread" is. talk to someone else and look at their shoes first. have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.

...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.

...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives. know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is. give a party and don't tell anyone where it is. think hotdish is one of the major food groups.

... is one of your bookmarks.

...your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...

...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee! think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!) think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant. freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week. were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor." think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years. hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can. takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.

...doughnuts are in the official church budget.

...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.'re watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you." tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat." doodle on the back of communion cards. can say the meal prayer all in one breath.

...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too. hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."

...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.'s time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder. laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.

... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O. can actually come up with responses to this. sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!" actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.

...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"

... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."

...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..." know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it. carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck. have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.

... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."

...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.

...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas. think the communion wafers are too spicy.

...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.

... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.

...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department. think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad. think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."

...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.

...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."

...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city." Thanksgiving you serve lutefisk and try to convince your kids it's really a turkey.'re at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.

...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus." and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.'re 57 years old and your parents still won't let you date a Catholic. the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you respond "and also with you." can't get into heaven without a casserole. notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible School season. wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts. are referred to as the frozen chosen!

...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do it. consider lottery tickets a serious investment. make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your salads with Jell-O. sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.

...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance." think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.

...your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true." feel guilty about not feeling guilty.'s 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services.

...change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church. read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.

...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee. take your grandfather to McDonalds for breakfast and he asks for a large order of McLefsa. win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or salad.

...every time something changes, the old one was better. hold your family reunion in the church basement.

...a capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million cup coffee urn. serve Jell-O as a vegetable.

...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo. can't have a meeting without having a meal. refer to your trip to Minneapolis as a pilgrimage.

...sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the sermon.

...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia. count coffee among the sacraments.

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