a play by Willem Shaxper
THE HUNDRED-AKER (sic) WOOD
LONG SHOT INTO FROG SITTING ON LAND MINE
FROG: Don't you think you should be doing something else right now?
CAMERA PANS RIGHT TO ENORMOUS FRAMED PICTURE OF ERNEST BORGNINE IN MIDDLE OF WOODS
VOICE: Lust is a dangerous tool in the hands of the proletariat.
ENTER CHARLTON HESTON, CRASHING THOUGH PICTURE
HESTON: I'm obviously not in it for the money, am I?
CAMERA PANS LEFT TO FROG
FROG: You could see this one coming, I'm sure.
EFFECT OF EXPLODING FROG. CASCADING FROG SHRAPNEL IN BRISK MEADOW AIR. INSTRUMENTAL SEQUENCE FROM DR. ZHIVAGO IN BACKGROUND
PAN RIGHT TO HESTON, EATING PIECES OF EXPLODED FROG
HESTON: What would you have done? The price difference was only a nickel!
CUT TO BUSY CITY STREET
ENTER BUD CORT AS AGING HAROLD FROM HAROLD AND MAUDE. DRESSED AS WELDER, CARRYING BLOWTORCH. DUELING BANJOS MUSIC
CORT LOOKS OFF TO LEFT. PAN LEFT. LUIS FROM SESAME STREET BEATING UP A SMALL CHILD. PAN RIGHT TO CORT
CORT: I bid three hundred quatlus on the newcomer!
CORT PUSHES WELDING HELMET BACK INTO POSITION AND TURNS TO RIGHT. FIRES UP BLOWTORCH. SIDE SHOT OF BABY CARRIAGE, INTO WHICH CORT LEANS TO GET BACK TO WORK
CUT TO NEWSROOM. SOUNDS OF TYPING, FAXES, ETC.
NEWSMAN: The House of Representatives voted today on a new law that would allow all people under three feet tall to vote.
SOUND OF TYPING PUNCTUATED BY SOUND OF BUZZSAW, SCREAMING
NEWSMAN [looking left] Oh my God!
SOMEONE OFF-CAMERA HOLDING LARGE BLUE STICK HITS TOP OF DESK SHARPLY. NEWSMAN EYES-FRONT, AS IF AT ATTENTION. NEWSMAN TAKES UP PAPERS AGAIN
NEWSMAN: The ... the vote was heavily lobbied by the inheritors of the estate of Herve Villechaize ...
BLUE STICK HITS MAN ON TOP OF HEAD
NEWSMAN: Isn't there something better you could be doing right now?
BLUE STICK POKES NEWSMAN IN HEAD REPEATEDLY, APPARENTLY AIMING FOR EYES
NEWSMAN GRABS STICK. BRIEF TUSSLE. STICK PULLED MORE ON-CAMERA TO REVEAL POPE JOHN PAUL II
POPE: Qua siglianitorre du machismo pour le forte della cancione.
SUBTITLE: I COULD USE A BEER
STOCK SHOT OF BRITISH SOCCER FANS CHEERING AND THRASHING ABOUT