MASTER: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Tai Kwan Leep. But, be warned. To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now.

(sound of meditation)

ED: Uh, sir? Sir? ooh! Sir!

MASTER: Who disturbs our meditation as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

ED: Me. Ed Gruberman.

MASTER: Ah...Ed...Gruberman.

ED: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, how long is this going to take?

MASTER: Tai Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.

ED: So like, what, an hour or so?

MASTER: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.

ED: Yeah, yeah, yeah, patience - how long will that take?

MASTER: Time has no meaning. To a true student of Tai Kwan Leep, a year is as a day ...

ED: A YEAR!?? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas!

(melodramatic pseudo-karate shouts)

MASTER: Beat people up.

ED: Yeah, just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for!

(more Bruce-Lee-on-Looney-Toons sounds)

MASTER: The only use of Tai Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the Great Teacher.

ED: Yeah, well, the best defense is a good offense! You know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice." ...

MASTER: Um ... Tai Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us.

(meditation sound resumes)

ED: Listen, shrimp! Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I going to have to start wipin' the walls with you?

MASTER: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tai Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.

ED: All right, finally some action!

MASTER: Observe closely, class. Boot to the head.

(sound of whooshing air, followed by a resounding thump)

ED: OWWWWW!! You booted me in the head!!

MASTER: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Tai Kwan Leep so soon. Now we continue.

(meditation resumes)

ED: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now, shorty! Huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)

ED: Ow! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now ...

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)

ED: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

MASTER: Now, class, we shall return to our ...

NOVICE: Master?

MASTER: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

NOVICE: Many apologies, master, but I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.

MASTER: What do you mean?

NOVICE: I want to boot some head, too.

MASTER: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

NOVICE: Yes, Master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.

MASTER: Very good.

NOVICE: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head!

(sound of whooshing air, but no thump)

MASTER: You missed.

NOVICE: Uh, yeah, well ...

MASTER: You, too, shall be honored to learn a lesson.

NOVICE: Well, you know, I could lea- ... you don't have to, you know ... I gotta be going ....

MASTER: Boot to the head. (hwaaa-BMMMPF!)


MASTER: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

ANOTHER NOVICE: Uh, yes, Master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.

MASTER: You gain wisdom, child.

ANOTHER NOVICE: So we'll have to gang up on ya! Get him, guys!

(sound of commotion)

MASTER: Boot to the head. Boot - (sounds of effort)

(commotion dies down)

MASTER: Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the candle in meditation. So.

(meditation resumes)

MASTER: Very good, class.

Royce D. Williams (
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Last updated: 2016-10-15