From kiehljw@whitman.edu Thu Sep 21 12:17:37 1995 Received: from MARCUS.WHITMAN.EDU by saturn.uaamath.alaska.edu; (5.65/1.1.8.2/14May95-0840AM) id AA19724; Thu, 21 Sep 1995 12:17:15 -0800 Received: by whitman.edu (5.0/SMI-SVR4) id AA11042; Thu, 21 Sep 1995 13:13:40 -0700 Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 13:13:39 -0700 (PDT) From: "Jesse W. Kiehl" X-Sender: kiehljw@marcus Subject: "Fun" is the first part of funeral. Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 3350 Apparently-To: Apparently-To: Apparently-To: Apparently-To: Apparently-To: Now you know I've gone too far. When death isn't sacred, nothing's sacred, and that let's you know where this little mailing list stands. The way I figure it, a funeral is your last chance to say goodbye to someone, and if you happen to owe them one, well... They're obviously not going to pay you back for it anyway. Unless there's an afterlife. I mean, that's a frightening possibility, isn't it? Just think of how long the decedent would have to plan the reciprocal prank. And it would never end, either. I mean, you'd both have all of eternity to get back at one another, and these things could just really get out of hand... Perhaps It would be better if we kept this one for reference only, Hmm? Capillary conundrums, :*) Jesse ---------- Forwarded message ---------- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 30 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral 1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you. 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss. 9. Drive behind the widow's limousine and keep honking your horn. 10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. 11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased. 12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. 16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. 20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on. 21. Put Krazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. 22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit. 23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. 24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. 25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. 26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. 27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. 28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. 29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. 30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ADDITIONS: 31. On your way to the reading of the will, keep singing snatches from, "We're in the Money." 32. Sprinkle itching powder in the box of tissues. 33.