These are the "Mental Health Update"-style greetings that I sent out to the list on occasion. Here also are most of the original question messages that I could find. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #1 ACAD2A::ASRDW1 Thu 25 Nov 1993 16:09:18 ( 20/ 584) From: Royce, UAA Amateur Consulting Subject: IRN Thanksgiving Thingie So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil, Do you think you can tell? And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Host ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears Wish you were here LANDRU, GUIDE US ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #2 ACAD2A::ASRDW1 Wed 15 Dec 1993 03:18:49 ( 34/ 1401) From: Royce, UAA Amateur Consulting Subject: IRN Finals Greeting You are all weenies. May the ever-quivering gods of luminescent body parts shimmy into your lives in that vulnerable catatonic period following your last final, wrap around your Broca's area, and cause you to say things like "Shamu!" and "Oh, Mr. Belpit, my legs are so swollen" until people lock you away so that you don't spread the truth. Oh, and Sherlock Holmes was a Vulcan. Besides, if I didn't tell you folks these things, weird stuff would happen all around you and you would not be able to adequately explain anything, such as what a Hrung is, or why it would choose to collapse on Betelguese VII. Henceforth, you shall all be referred to as "Ix." Or "Toad." I like that one. 0011 0001 0100 0001 0101 1001 (from the 1972 edition of "The Guinness Book of World Records") LARGEST COMPUTER The world's most powerful computer is the Control Data Corporation CDC 7600 first delivered in January, 1969. It can perform 36 million operations in one second and has an access time of 27 nano-seconds. It has two internal memory cores of 655,360 and 5,242,880 characters (6 bits per character) supplemented by a Model 817 disc file of 800,000,000 characters. Commercial deliveries have been scheduled from 1972 at a cost of $9,000,000-$15,000,000, depending on peripherals. The most capacious storage device is the Ampex Terabit Memory which can store 2.88 x 10^12 bits. (end of quote) GAK ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #3 ORION::ASRDW1 Tue 11 Jan 1994 12:49:49 ( 12/ 552) From: Royce, UAA Amateur Consulting Subject: IRN Pre-Semester Greeting Totally in contradiction to my basic nature, I am actually doing something EARLY this semester. Consider this your IRN subscription-renewal letter. In exchange for your subscription fee of $0.00, you will get: The last issue of last year's IRN (long-awaited and heckled-for) A special ASCII drawing (secret surprise!) A revolutionary new weightless, odorless, (and effectless) tie-tack Fourteen kilograms of uranium-235 So replay today! Operators are standing by ... somewhere else. I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE URANIUM, CAN'T ANYBODY TAKE A JOKE? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #4 ACAD2A::ASRDW1 Thu 06 May 1993 21:11:30 ( 10/ 362) From: Royster Subject: I.R.N. Summer Greeting Yay! Break out the boxing gloves and castanets! Time to cook weenies and poke yer neighbor! Shove the lawn work off on someone else and go play in the sand! Hey! What are you doing in here? (smack) (struggle) (prodigious application of duct tape and Monkey Grip) Have a good summer, you maniacs. FOLD THIS MESSAGE UNTIL IT IS ALL SHARP CORNERS AND THEN ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #5 ORION::ASRDW1 Tue 01 Feb 1994 03:57:29 ( 16/ 387) From: Tycho Tithonus Subject: The IRN Question, Vol 5, #3 Do you know anybody who eats paste? The I.R.N. is for them. Because you can't eat the terminal unless you're really determined. So unlock 'em, cut back on their medication a bit, and tell 'em to join. Hey, you can't get a lot for $0 anymore. (whishing of flying Mel Torme robots) "What kind of music do you listen to?" (due 02-07) SEVEN ... CHOCOLATE-BANANA ... PIES ... (CRASH!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #6 ORION::ASRDW1 Tue 01 Feb 1994 14:16:25 ( 7/ 179) From: Tycho Tithonus Subject: IRN Scott Baio ALERT He's out there. He's real. He was on "The Tonight Show." Uneasy lies the head that watches "Joanie Loves Chachi." I JUST NOTICED THAT MY KEYBOARD HAS A KEY LABELLED "DEAD KEY." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #7 ORION::ASRDW1 Tue 08 Feb 1994 02:43:08 ( 13/ 338) From: Tycho Tithonus Subject: The IRN Question, Vol 5, #4 (tick tick tick tick tick) bzzzzzzt (tick tick tick tick tick) bzzzzzzzzzrrrt blep blep zing! (the Mechanical Thinker begins to shake) vrrrrrrrrrrrrlugrrlugrrrrrlugrrrrrrlug-lug (shattering of glass) "What's the most disgusting thing you'd do for ten dollars?" (due 02-14-94) IF MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO RENT IT ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #8 ORION::ASRDW1 Thu 10 Mar 1994 13:23:49 ( 8/ 351) From: Tycho Tithonus Subject: I.R.N. Sprung Break Heartfelt forehead-to-knees apologies for neglecting you, o faithful IRNers ... have been really busy of late. Good news is that I am mostly caught up. Bad news is that the IRN has been late for some time. Fear not, twisted souls! Once spring is broken, things will return to normal ... er ... you get the idea. UNCLE TOBIAS WE KEPT IN A BUCKET ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #9 ORION::ASRDW1 Mon 21 Mar 1994 01:31:17 ( 10/ 474) From: Tycho Tithonus Subject: IRN GetBackToWork Shouting You fuzzy goofs. Didn't anybody ever tell you that you're not supposed to lick the neighbors? You know those little red sticks that come in the cheese-and-crackers food packet thingies? I've saved about 5,000 of 'em so far, and intend to build a house out of them someday. A small, red house. I'm going to bed now. (insert favorite Willie Nelson lyric here) -~-_-~-_-~-_ <-- surfing worms NE.SE.OPEN WINDOW.W.GET ALL.W.GET LAMP.E.TURN ON LAMP.UP.GET ALL.D.W.MOVE RUG ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Royster Subject: Fulfilling the Regs Since this is an unofficial network, I, as the proprietary systems operator (hereinafter referred to as "the guy running it") am required by the Networks division of the FCC to provide you with the following information: This network, informal by nature, contains no warranty of merchantability express or implied other than that expressed in its welcoming statement. Therefore, all descriptions of services available must be subject to popular intent, and all services described must be provided for. Well, that clears up the (admittedly fictitious but fun-sounding) legal bit. I've noticed that I've neglected certain portions of the network's statement of uses . . . so here's the promised update on my mental health. I'm generally stable this evening, with expected mutations into the nether realms some time after stage II sleep. Various eruptions of libido and id will be scattered throughout REM, followed by a renewed sense of vigorous dissatisfaction upon regaining consciousness. Vague feelings of inadeqacy (and fears of misspelling) mixed with inanity and intellectual apotheosis tomorrow, ending up with a good Monty Python quote or two tomorrow evening. Well, there you have it. Don't say you're not gettin' yer money's worth. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------