THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 6, #1 A N S W E R S T O T H E I R N Q U E S T I O N ----------------------------------------------------- "What would life be like if you could read people's minds?" Volume 006, Number 001 October 3, 1994 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus that have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Well, I've formatted the whole thing, but I haven't written my own responses yet because it's not late enough and the funniest things I am thinking of involve gruesome McDonalds slayings with ... get this, this is the weird part ... Pez. Difficult, but not impossible. Could be my subconscious crying out for help. Could be my subconscious advertising for a new mind to inhabit. Could be the metal plate in my head picking up commands by radio from Fidel Castro. Could be Paul Prudhomme. Yep, definitely not funny yet. Wait 'til 2:00 am. -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD3A::FSMLM2 RebelHeart hmmmmm I think it would be fun at first. then annoying.. sheesh it would be so loud in your head, you wouldnt be able to hear yourself think! R: I think that you're assuming that people around you are thinking all the time. From observation of human behavior, I find this unlikely. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSCLH tree shaker hmm.. if i could read people's minds.. it sure would take a lot of fun out of things.. but then i'd know what i wanted.. oh, wait.. you probably mean.. Other people's minds... hmm..... same applies R: I think, Christine, that if the IRN question last week had been, "What would life be like if we could read Christine's mind?" -- well, let's just say that A Clockwork Orange and Naked Lunch were weird films. FROM -- ORION::AXLAS axlas@orion.alaska.edu You know, Royce, I had thought of suggesting that question last semester, but something pushed it out of my head. Now I realize what that was. A large wheelbarrow full of kippers had suddenly materialized outside of the front door to my house. I was putting my bunni slipperz (patent pending) on to see what all the commotion was. After my front door slid open (and I, wondering where the hell LucasArts was getting the budget to remodel my house after the DeathStar(tm), was surprised at the sudden horizontal motion of the door--having been used to the more arc of opening) a garish green glow was cast upon me like an old overcoat. I stood there in the rain, with my bunni slipperz (patent pending), in the garish green glow of a wheelbarrow full of kippers. Now normally, I'm like any other man, and I enjoy a kipper or two before my bourbon, but today was something different. I had been pondering the mysteries of growing up as a telepath in todays society. Having just gone to sleep after cramming thirty-eight thousand words onto half a ream of paper, I was beginning to dream that I, myself, was a telepath in a non-receptive world. In my dream, I was a fisherman--scraping out a living by owning one of the largest processing plants outside of Hoboken. Granted, there aren't that many fish processing plants in New Jersey, but I was glad to have been the biggest. I'm still not sure what my dream meant, and I'm puzzled as heck over the sudden appearance of a wheelbarrow full of kippers,* but somehow, in some way, i'm sure theres a connection. Oh, and the answer to the next question is "Eleventy-Ten" R: Have you ever considered taxidermy as an alternative lifestyle? I'm not talking about being a taxidermist; I'm talking about getting mounted and stuffed. (Hmm ... taken out of context, that could sound really bad.) In question to your next answer, I can only say that if you have the right to reach forward in time and find out the answer, then I have the right to reach back in time to change the question, so the first answer you gave above is now the answer to the question, "What does Leif have to think about to get aroused?" Do not be ashamed; kipper fetishists have had a proud place in history, most notably the professional wrestler Ted DiBiase ("The Million-Dollar Man") and Ted Turner. FROM -- ORION::ASLJL The Lady Rhavyn Of The Art Royce, your asking Dana and I ( two odd people to begin with ) what would the world be like if we could read peoples minds? I will tell you what it's like, you finish sentences, sometimes one even bounces around inside anothers mind without realizing it, or does it to see what's what. ( so this answer is a bit wierd, Dana and I never claim to be normal.) Some people have a loud " sending voice " but can't recieve worth a darn, and some can recieve but couldn't " send " to save thier life. and some can do both. I know that getting through college would be easier, you could cheat and never have a worry. ( how would they know ? unless all people are telepathic and therefore a telepathic scanner ( a person ) was there to monitor. I think to get the best idea of how it would be, is to read Anne Mcaffery's Rowan series starting with To Ride Pegasus. I think that gives the most accurate accounts of what the world would be like if we were telepathic and we could read minds The Lion and the Witch. By the way nice disclaimer! R: Are you guys saying that you can read each other's minds? I'm sure as hell glad SOMEBODY can understand you. :) By the way, you'll like this week's disclaimer even better. Well, you might. Or you might not. I can't tell ... whaddaya mean, why can't I tell? I'm not a mind reader, for Chrissake! And what the heck are you two doing in that wardrobe! Cut that out! FROM -- ORION::PSCRC Des' Bruja Damnit!!!!... I allready know what everyone else thinks, why do I need this newsletter!!!!! R: So that those of us who can't read minds can find out what you're thinking. And man, am I ever grateful. FROM -- BRADY@SATURN.UAA* Brady W. Clark You mean if *I* could? or if we all could? If we all could, it would sure save you a lot of time in compiling the answers... Class warfare? Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! R: So you're saying that people are writing EXACTLY what they are thinking in these answers? This could have a number of ramifications: 1. IRN subscribers don't think much. 2. Royce doesn't think much. 3. Royce doesn't think much about IRN subscribers. 4. Everybody is lying. 5. Scott Baio is the Antichrist, and Jerry Lewis is his dark minion of illucidity. 6. Planck's constant is actually tied to the stock market. 7. I knew you were going to say that because I can read minds but I find it amusing to see what people choose out of their minds to actually put in the answers. 8. Woo, but I need a life. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSRST Darkside Cowboy O.K., this is a good question. I'm ready for this one... I have been working on this "What is life like" bit for a long time, and I finally found a statement that worked for me under all possible (and several immpossible) permutations. A short, accurate, concise, comprehensive, guide to,if you will, life. And Viola'! it works for this one also. So here it is...what life is like in general and therefore what life WOULD be like if I could READ MINDS: life is like Silly Putty, it's not too much fun if you think about it too much, but if you really try hard and know just what to do...you can make it look just like the Sunday Funnies. See? get it?? it works! the Nobel Finorck Prize is MINE! Is there a Nobel Prize for Finorck even? WELL THERE SHOULD BE!! R: I, myself, have derived a huge amount of satisfaction just from the mere contemplation of Silly Putty, and as the President of the Local Chapter of the SPADL (Silly Putty Anti-Defamation League,) I must ask that you voluntarily accept our penalty, which is that you must purchase ten Silly Putties and mash them all together and put them in one of those giant plastic purple Easter eggs and tell everyone that you can actually buy it that way, and if you do it often enough, when you die your soul will inevitably waft its way to The Land Where Pez is Eternally Blessed. In answer to your question, there is, in fact, no Nobel Finorck Prize, though historically, there have been a number of people who would have been deserving of it, most notably Spiro Agnew. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSAJD1 ASA J DOWDY_III If I were a mind reader, or at best case a omnipath, I would rule the world, or at least weald a grate amount of power. This is not a bad thing for others however, as long as you did every thing that I say with out question and and venrerated me as your devine entity, perferably in the aztec or in the midevil inqazition styal. The wold would be at peace becose all the would be dictators, outlaw, and liberals would be taken down by my ability to read there "would be minds" and anilate them before there plans were just starting to develop in thier heads. Yes the world would be at peace, the economy would be stabel, people would be happy, and "Star Treck The Next Generation" would return with the first episode being titaled "The Death of Weesly Crusher". R: Hmm. Asa "Queztalcoatl" Dowdy. Yeah, that does sort of have a nice ring to it ... but I'm not getting my heart cut out for *you* or *ANYBODY*, and I don't give a pair of dingo's kidneys if it's good for the crops this season or *not*. The utter totalitarian dictatorship that you describe would almost be worth it, though, to see Wesley die, preferably in some sort of accident with an "Anal Intruder" (tm) and a terrible power surge directly from the warp coil. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSSLT3 SEVILLA L TRAVIS Life would be, like, in the 40th century. It can be logically concluded (depending on your level of pessimisim) that all life either dies out due to its uselesness, or continues on with a progressive momentum. We as a species have been surviving and will continue to survive. Along the way we gather more attributes as a whole (slowly but surely) and abilities that are to our benefit. In the 40th century I feel that our race will have gathered such capabilities that transference of thought will be a common attribute that we have and learn as we grow up and temper it with courtesy and respect. For example not reading one's when they are not expecting it. I suppose though, that if we could have the control enough to read minds, we would have also achieved excellent control over our baser nature, which would keep us from being intrusive and corrupt. R: Wow, I really wasn't expecting a serious answer. This sounds pretty cool. The world you describe would be a cool place to live. However, your answer does not contain any Pez, and so you are not eligible for this week's "Answer Most Likely to Be Made Into a Sitcom" award. Please try again next week. FROM -- ORION::ASTCR You get what you deserve. Well if I could read peoples minds I would understand why my girlfriend broke up with me. ( I probably would agree with the reason also.) 2. I would not have to study for tests because I could use the combined knowledge of everyone in the class. Unless the test was essay then it would be to confusing. 3. I would not have to subscibe to this piece of umm??!! (literature)?? 4. Life would eventually get boring but very quiet because I would cease to hear what people were saying. 5. I would enter a looney ward because I would be overloaded with thoughts. And finally my friends would probably be scared to talk to me because I would be laughing at what they thought and what they said. AARRGGHH!!! the agony of it all. (I hope that you can understand this because I can not!!!!) R: Another semi-serious answer. I'm really not prepared for this. (shuffling of notes) Yams ... (more shuffling) Arnold Schwarzenegger ... (whimper) Jell-O Pudding Pops ... hmm ... well, all I can say is, maybe your girlfriend left you because you kept glaring at her all the time while you were concentrating trying to read her mind. FROM -- ORION::PSHW Master of the obvious I would go around and find the people that want me to kill them and kill them R: Sick. I pretty much that that's really sick, but it's really ... I dunno ... symmetrical. I like it. But what about the people who want to kill you? H: Pez. R: Sorry, too late, we've given the prize to someone else. FROM -- ORION::PSSIB Professor *B* If I could read minds openly, people would think I'm crazy if I admitted it, and if I didn't admit that I could read minds, I'd go crazy, and I'd know people thought I was crazy. Does this make me crazy?! *aah Aagh!* R: Your answer is driving me crazy, and I want everyone to know. FROM -- ORION::ASRDW1 Tycho Tithonus It would probably be just like life is now, except with more Pez. R: Congratulations! You win this week's prize, which is ... ... a boot to the head. (hwaa-BMMMPFH!) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER: 1. The opinions, views, beliefs, philosophies of life, and body positions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Federal Government, the State of Alaska, the Municipality of Anchorage, The University of Alaska, its administrators, faculty, or non-faculty employees, the United Nations, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency, the National Security Agency, the Environmental Protection Agency, the National Football League, the American Association of Retired Persons, Alcoholics Anonymous, The Salvation Army, Sachs Fifth Avenue, Arby's, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Sean Cassidy, One Guy from Italy, the Borg, Tom Bodett, Yitzhak Shamir, the Everly Brothers, Murdoch from "A-Team," the Vienna Boys Choir, Tammy "Peaches" Ketchum, Senator Cantor from Standard Oil, OJ Simpson, Stephen Hawking, Steven King, Steven Spielberg, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Stevie Nicks, Steve Miller, Steve Martin, Remo Williams, Billy Dee Williams, William Carlos Williams, the makers of the Chia Pet, Remington Steele, Immanuel Kant, Stan Lee, Ayn Rand, Jackson Pollock, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, Sean Ryan, Kurt Vonnegut, Scott Baio, Jerry Lewis, Kip Tyner, or any of the inhabitants of Norway. But they could be. For all we know, any of these folks could be really bizarre, bizarre enough to be proponents of the things one generally finds in the IRN answers. But we don't know that, because none of them are subscribers, so we can't attach any of this mental oscillation to them, however @$^@$# hilarious that would be. 2. The express intent of this publication is voluntary readership. If you've got two million of these things in your mailbox and you're getting some kind of message saying, "%HOLY-SHIT, your mailbox is 40 billion blocks overdrawn," it's not in the least bit my fault. In fact, it's your own fault and you have no one to blame but yourself, so you can't blame me, 'cause I won't let you. You are advised to drop me a line if you're going to Jamaica for spring break and don't actually plan on coming back until Simon divorces that New Bohemian woman and marries Garfunkel. If, by some weird quirk of quarks striking my directory, you have mistakenly subscribed to this thing, please feel free to drop me a line saying that you would rather spend your time watching slugs dry or something equally soul-stirring, and you won't see another weird thing. At least, not from me. I cannot be held responsible for any other weirdness that may or may not occur to you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- T h e I n f o r m a l R e s o u r c e N e t w o r k ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- is a weekly (?) publication and draws its material from its readership. This compilation and the weird short little comments after everybody's answers are copyright 1994 by me, probably. Which isn't to say that I think that I'm going to make any money off of this. I just don't want anybody putting anything really rude in here and attributing it to me without my approval first. Heck, if someone comes up with something weirder, more power to 'em, I say, but they can start their own thingie, and call it something else entirely, I dunno, Make Fun of Your Friends for Free or some such. But I digress. All authorship and copy rights concerning individual entries may or may not be reserved by their original owners. Requests for subscription must be formally received, and receipt of that request constitutes permission to reproduce, for the purpose of this publication only, the text of the answers. (Like I would want to reproduce them anyway. Unless I write a book someday. In which case, I'll make up something myself and blame it on all of you.) Requests for back-issues may be presented, but may not be heeded. Suggestions, comments, and requests for sub/unsub -scription may be posted to ASRDW1@ORION.ALASKA.EDU. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------