THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 4, #1 A N S W E R S T O T H E I . R . N . Q U E S T I O N ----------------------------------------------------------- "Where am I?" Volume 004, Number 001 October 5, 1993 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus that have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Oooh, happy. I'm currently 4.2 light years away from the vax, and far too weird to come to the terminal right now, could you come back later, that's a good chap. -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD3A::FSMLM2 Rebelheart Oh god, where am i? Is this me or you? I mean who's account? James!~!!!@?> Come here, say ahhhh Ahhhhh! Well, I dont' know where I am but I know where james is .. hehe and it sure feels good Ahhhh god that ice creams cold What do you mean ... tattoo ... he died oops .. continuation of previously answer question for the time before besides .. Dammit James .. leave my feet alone sorry .. as I was saying .. ahhhh .. no .. to the left a little no .. not that just seeing if your awake royce . understand me yet? R: Uh ... yeah, I heard that Tattoo died, too. Apparently, the dialogue went something like this: RICARDO MONTALBAN: Do you know, Tattoo, that I have lived on this island for the past seventeen years, and I have not yet seen my own fantasy? HERVE VILLACHESE: No, Botthhh. I did not thingk ob thhhaat. (spitting) RICARDO: This is my fantasy, Tattoo: to see you jump off the cliff at the edge of the island so that I will no longer have to listen to your endless foaming and emphysemic wheezing. I can see the goddamn plane for myself. HERVE: Ooooh, I don't like tthaaat phantathhy, Botthhh! (breathy scream) FROM -- ACAD2A::AXLAS VMS Guru > #13 ASRDW1 Sun 26 Sep 22:30 > > QUESTION NUMBER ONE: > > "Where am I?" "Where am I?" Zis is un marvelous qvestion vis vich ve examin ze psyche uv de patient. Ze classical response vill be vun vich complies vis ze ztatistiacly correlated data fron vich ve vill pick a median response, ya? Zo, ze response ve vish to se zhould be vun vich fits in vis ze pattern of responses over a period uv time. Let us now examine ze first response: _Insert_First_Response_Here_ Yah. So you can zee, zis person has demonstrated a remarkable facility! His cognition iz vell above ze average specimen. But notice ze strain of psychosis in ze second sentance. Vun vunders how zuch deranged thought can appear visout check. But zat is not important, no? Zo, on to ze second: _Insert_Second_Response_Here_ Zis respose is virtually unintellegible. Let us now proceed to ze third and final response from vich ve can draw our conclusions. _Insert_Third_And_Final_Response_Here_ Vell, now. Zat iz more like it. Ze perfect response. Concise and to ze point, but wizout understating ze important facts. It vill do for ze median response, no? Vell, now zat everyzing is goot, ve can go over- Voops! I zee zat our time iz up for zis veek. I hope zat ve vill zee you next week, ya? You have made very signifcant steps toward vell being, und I vould hate to see you fall astray from a lack of proper counselling. Next veek zen? R: It was Leif's intent that I insert actual answers into the indicated slots above, but I decided that you folks would be much better at deciding what goes where. Ahem. (wink wink nudge nudge) FROM -- ACAD2A::ASDRT Born-Again Coward Who cares where you are! The Questions DID YOU BRING THE BEER! R: "This answer is of particular interest from the point of view of a professional logician, as it contains a number of logical phallacies, that is, invalid syllogistic connections, of the form so often committed by my wife." Given that I have brought the beer, and that it is at that time with me, it would be of equal, and in fact, equivalent concern for you to know my whereabouts. Unless I have already consumed said beer. In which case, it might be more useful to locate my wallet. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASFJP Irrev. George W. Hayduke Royce asks: "Where am I?" My Response: "You are in the Village." Royce asks: "Who are you?" My Response: "I am the new number two." Royce asks: "Who is number one?" My response: "You are number six." Royce runs out to the beach and shakes his fists at the air: "I am not a number... I am a FREE MAN!" Or kill me. R: Hmm ... I'm leaning more towards Option "B." FROM -- ACAD2A::ASLJL The Lady Rhavyn Of The Art Where am I ? In a reality I don't want to be in, LET ME OUT! Rhavyn R: In reality I don't want to be out, LET ME IN! Or kill me. FROM -- ACAD3A::VNSMP I think therefore I am lost. R: Descartes walks into a bar and order a whiskey and soda. The bartender gives it to him. He looks around at the people, listens to the jukebox (this was after jukeboxes) (apologies to S. Morgenstern) and then finishes his drink. The barkeep notices that he is finished, and asks, "Would you like another?" Descartes pauses for a moment. "I think not," he says finally, and disappears. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSBC Panda Kahn well( I was going to say "I am here." to let you know that I was a certain place at a certain time (along the lines of "no matter where you go, there you are.") but then realized that to be here, as seen from your perspective would be meaning less than if you knew my location from R: My concern with your location is only in reference to how close it is to the place that I am in, and how quickly I can find a place to hide if that distance is less than a certain value. (shudder) FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSRD Love hurts, buy Band-Aids. I am lost in the UAA parking lot, trapped between two drivers in two different cars who both believe that somewhere within 5 feet, the car with no driver will pull out of the "CLOSE-TO-THE-FRONT-DOOR-OF-THE-BUILDING" space all by itself sometime in the next millenium. (Does that show enough disgust with UAA parking?) (And I don't even DRIVE!!!) R: Hmm ... it seems silly that you would be standing there, waiting for a parking space, and then when it finally frees up, what do you do? Just stand there for a while in triumph? Maybe if you had a car ... Nah. It's more fun that way. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSLI The Lady in Waiting I am at the place nearest to the heart of my Most Beloved. R: Well, since your Most Beloved has the word "GONZO" tattooed on his arm, (NOT A MADE-UP IRN FACT; THIS IS TRUTH) you should start reading Hunter S. Thompson or rent "The Muppet Movie," I'm not sure which. Okay, yeah, I'm sure. Do both. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSJJP I'm Corwin and so is He Help me Help me Help me Help me Help me Help me I'm lost, sorta, that is, I know where I'm at, but not where you are so you could say were both lost...sorta, kinda, maybe R: If I don't care where I am, I'm not lost. FROM -- ACAD2A::PSSIB Derelict of Dialect "Where am I?" Royce... Who knows "where" you are. *grin* Whenever I see you, I see a rhetorical sign hanging from your forehead, and it states: Out for lunch. R: Oooh, oooh, and I suppose that this is worse than the one on YOUR forehead, which says, TO LET :) FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGDS ......Pooh Styxx Well Royce, your certainly not in reality as we know it, an unfortunate result of the medication they've been giving you since the unfortunate incident in the middle of Lamonts involving that Loofa Glove and the cheerleaders. BTW- I hear that the Sales clerk is recovering nicely and the store Is NOT pressing charges against you! Actually I would probably say your somewhere North West of Sheboigen... R: But then again, isn't everyone? By the way, the sales clerk was going to press charges, but it turns out that we could settle out of court (to her dismay, as she has a judicial fetish; we have instead settled on me wearing a black robe and powdered wig while spanking her with the Bible) FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBWC Brady Clark - UAA Math/CS Dept. Royce, you are everywhere. You are the stars on a cloudy night. You are the dolphins in my tuna net. You are the 5000 motorists competing for UAA's scenic 8 new parking spaces. You are the closet liberal in Rush Limbaugh's TV audience. But most of all, you are the master of *&%*&%^kjghksjh65^guhg(GL(*^G NO CARRIER R: Oooh oooh! You stole my joke, you turtle you! For those of you who wish to see the end of that last message, send $140,000.99 (in British old pounds, using 1748 as a base year for future value) to BRADY CLARK THIRD WASHROOM ALONG HEATHROW AIRPORT, LONDON B38 0C6 FROM -- ACAD2A::RSJFG Static I'm on drugs. Where are you? R: Uh. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTJM1 Equalizer That's relative. You are everywhere, when no one wants you around, but just like everything else, you can't be found when we wish to talk to you. You are proverbial, my freind. I, on the other hand, am on the outer limits of sanity. R: Hmm ... I suspect that you are smack-dab in the middle of your own sanity, but hovering feverishly on the fringe of everyone else's, slowly depriving them of their own lucidity in a desperate attempt to drown your own irrationality. Or maybe it's just a migraine. FROM -- ACAD2A::FSTJF Re: The IRN Question - Vol 4, #1 i am lost in the mire of knowledge that i am nothing and everything incarnate...while learning this i realized that i existed in middle of all things and yet i could't see how since i saw everything from outside... so i guess in conclusion... i am.... R: Have you read "Flatland" ? There's a fellow in Pointland that has the same point of view ... except it was a lot easier to draw him. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJRB yarbles, all big and bolshy. *looks left.....right. checks pockets......rests arm on statue of sleeping bearded man.......pauses......checks behind couch......looks puzzled...........sits down on head of statue.......* am i hot or cold???? yeeeeowch! something bit me! R: This week's "Least Likely to Receive An Endowment for the Arts for an Interpretation of Some of Rodin's Least Known Fetishes" goes to Josh, who apparently hasn't noticed that we've begun to cut his hashish with lithium. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJWK2 The Judge LET'S TRY AGAIN... THE QUESTION IS CLEARLY WHETHER THE QUESTION IS WHERE ARE YOU OR WHERE AM I. If the question is, in fact, where are you, I don't know any other answer than to say, "Over there." If, on the other hand, the question is where am I, I could tell you that, but it would bore you. So I'll answer it by lying. I am on a beach in the Cayman Islands. I am so filthy rich that I can afford a cellular modem and the air charges to be writing this. Now, you may ask yourselves, "Selves, if he is so rich, why is he taking classes here at the University of Almost Achievers?" I am taking them to enrich my mind. Out of pure love of learning. Really. Did I mention that I'm selling some of that Cayman Island beachfront property? If it's out of your price range I have some slightly more affordable oceanfront property in Nebraska available... R: Hmm ... considering the convolutedness of that answer, perhaps the truth may have been more interesting than you suspected. Then again, we would probably be entertained by a three-page description of your tooth-brushing habits. (sigh) FROM -- ACAD2A::FSJSD guess who no comment. R: No comment. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRS I'm in the deepest electrons of the vax. R: Hmm ... they all seem to be in a little row ... I can't tell which one is the deepest ... could you wave or yell or something? FROM -- ACAD3A::FSCLH the deranged bi queenie *smile* i am in my brain.. dancing in my brain... laughing at your brain.. crying in the rain... R: My brain usually thinks that these other brains are a tough crowd, so your laughter couldn't come at a better time. I forgot to mention to you that we've been cutting your TCBY with lithium ... well, we were going to, but after Josh we didn't have any left. So we chipped in and got you a "Happy Meal." FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTCR the french man I am in the bonneys and the ballplayers are eating me up. Actually I am sick at home with Broncatis aND i AM VERY BORED. R: And apparently falling asleep on the "Shift" key.