THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 3, #5 A N S W E R S T O T H E I R N Q U E S T I O N ----------------------------------------------------- "Why is up?" Volume THREE, Number FIVE March 16, 1993 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus that have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTER FROM THE EDITOR " N " -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRBB "The Firebird (Rick)" Up is a relative thing, right? Up is the direction opposite to the pull of gravity. Gravity is the core of the UP issue. Without it, there is no UP. Right? Have a nice day. R: I already have a nice day. I keep it in my sock drawer. Sometimes it laughs at me when I am asleep. FROM -- ACAD2A::AXLAS "Silly Fetal Norwegian" "Why is up?" Y is up? Well, of course it is, if you think of the alphabet in a soft (soft? Sort, dammit! I'm a writer, not a spelling bee. Or any kind of bee. not even Half a bee (Which, philosophically, must be, vis-a-vis, its entity. Do you See?) named Eric the Half-A-Bee.) (where was I?) (Oh, thank you) in a sort of a staircase looking thing, with A as the first floor, B (Hi, Eric!) as the second, C (yes, i see..thank you!) as the third, and so on, up until X, the twenty-fourth floor, Y, the twenty- fifth, and the top floor being Z, the twenty-sixth. Therefore, as you can C, Y, B'ing the 26th letter in the alfalfa-bet, makes it up, in relationship to A. U C? R: I think U need to C somebu D ... you have a L of a problem with letters. You can redeem yourself if you can give the British spelling of "fish license." FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTCR "oh boy, here comes trouble" Why is up because why is not down. Here we are trying to answer the great philosophical question of life. This is the question that has been on the top of my mind for the longest time and that I am glad to have gotten off my chest. R: "The Answer ..." "Yes?" "To Life, the Universe, and Everything ..." "Yes? Yes?" "Is ..." "Yes!?" "Forty-two." (silence) "I told you you'd be disappointed." FROM -- ACAD3A::ASDMF "The Electric Messiah" Why is down? Why ask why? (I got my BUD DRY)... If we didn't have things up then how would we know who's on top or on bottom in the dark? (Hmmm?) I can vouch for one being on top (then very soon being wrestled to the bottom) but being on top is the best....as FSMJB5 can definately say.... Oh well....if I wasn't on top....who would? R: Um, woo. It's a good thing I left the light off. "Hmm, I wonder if Uhura is in this utility closet ..." (shhhhk) (sounds of moaning) "Oh my God! What are you two ensigns doing in here?" "It's okay, sir ... we're engaged." "Well, DISENGAGE and get back to your posts!" FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRST "Darkside Cowboy" because the difference between a walrus is 6... R: Yes, and ice cream has no bones. FROM -- ACAD2A::VSSMP "Sheldon M. Phillips" Isn't life enough of a joke, without turning everyting 2D? Of course if life turned into one big Heavy Metal episode it might be kinda' fun. I'll be Hanover Fist. R: And I'll be Fit 2B Tied. Is it really two-dimensional, or are your glasses just kinda flat? Life IS like Heavy Metal ... the audience, not the film. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBWC "Brady W. Clark - UAA Math VAX" Hmm. It seems to me as though what we have here could be referred to as a "prepositional uncertainty," a dangerous condition indeed. This is not, of course, to be confused with a "propositional deficiency" or a "territorial disreputancy" or "spam." I would recommend that treatment begin immediately for this grievous condition, and that said treatment begin with the fruit bats. R: I heard a rumor that Dr. Nunnally was a fruit bat while on vacation in Mexico this spring break. And here we thought it was just a migraine. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGDS "Pooh Styxx" I have already mailed you the answer R: Is this some kind of prediction? Speaking of predictions ... about twenty years ago, before she started doing horoscopes, Jeane Dixon swore up and down that "astrology is a crock" and she "wouldn't be caught dead" participating in it. Funny world, ain't it? Makes you want to go out and throw salmon at her house. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSMLM2 "Rebelheart" because it if were not it wouldn't be and then there would be a worm hole because of that. And one wormhole is enough. R: This saying is especially true of apples. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSJJP "His Royal Highness Corwin" Uhhh! ..... Uhhh! .... Why Not Up? R: "Look, Dag! Thak make gravel angel!" FROM -- ACAD2A::AXSBC "PANDA KAHN" Then who is down, and what is left when where is right? It follows then, as night to day that forward is when how is back. I think? R: This week's "Most Likely to be Understood by Someone Who Was Recently Leafing Through Old College Textbooks and Discovered a Full Sheet of Purple Microdot And Figured, "What the Hell"" award goes to Scott, for whom the world looks a little bit "brighter" today. And his monitor is melting into a pool of mercury. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGDS "Pooh Styxx" right? Then again, Who is here and when is now. Or too put it in more simple terms The Why that can be explained Is not the eternal why. What then is the difference between The internal and Eternal Why? Of course Royce doesn't seem to be a follower of Pooh Tse, he seems much more the Li-Pooh type. Li-Pooh is, of course, the ancient Chineese philosopher who wrote A wise man knows, to keep himself simple. A strong man knows, to keep himself weak. A High man knows. to keep himself low. An ingorant man, will receive a boot to the head. - Love and the Lotus Position, Pooh Styxx R: "`The only use of Tai Kwan Leep is self-defense.' Do you know who said that? Ki Lo-Ni, the Great Teacher." "Well, `the best defense is a good offense!' Do you know who said that? Mel, the cook on `Alice.' " Love and the Lotus 1-2-3 Position, Ed Gruberman FROM -- ACAD2A::ASDRT "Born-Again Coward" So we know which way to look at women's skirts. R: Um ... surprised? FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJLH "WCK!" Quite simple actually, if why were not "up", then it would be (conversly by the law of antithesis )down. Unless of course you apply Quantum Mechanics or chicken soup, in which case up could be any direction except Why (Or Rye because rye is does not go with either chicken soup or the little bang hypothesis of the creation of the bladder. But then I may have to reconcider because Paul Carrington, my three year old mentor (wise beyond his years),has explained that ice cream is important "cuz it tastes good and you can get it after you go pottie in the toilet" and therefore "You can go outside and not be wet"....... -WCK R: Go back to that part about the oregano. I think I missed something. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSPK "Nameless" Why | | When---How---Where | | Who Yes, why is up to answer your question....unless you are from Australia where why would be down......but, who counts them? Skag R: This week's "Worthy of a Visit from the Flesh-Eating Christmas Zombies" award goes to Sean, for whom "Skag" is not just a cartoon character, but a lifestyle. FROM -- ACAD2A::PSCAC "Severian" Why ask why???? Are we entirely sure that why is up, it could be down, left, right, or all the way around. It could be here or there...or everywhere... for that matter...why ask this question??? R: Hey, LISTEN, BUDDY! *I* ask the questions around here! I'll have none of that independent thinking! Bad for morale! Makes the subscribers restless! Guards! Take this man to Room 101! FROM -- ACAD2A::ASWDP "a dimension of time and space" up is, inverted, dn. dn ,pe+jenu! ,s! up. up is, inverted, dn. nb !z, !unej+ep, pu. query quandry sundry ponder. soiled socks are for to launder. absence makes the heart grow fonder. but super-glue is a better bonder. R: But it's so hard to get off your fingers. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASWDP "a dimension of time and space" updnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnup dndnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnupdnup What will happen when the last black hole in the universe consumes the final piece of free roaming matter? "and I bet they could all fit on the head of a pin." -- Laurie Anderson R: In answer to your question (oooh! hypocrisy!) there will be a soft, whizzy, popping sound, and then everything will turn into Pez. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASLJL "The Lady Rhavyn Of The Art" As for what is Up? My answer? That depends if you're antarctica or the north pole and if you're talking only on earth or both space and earth or only space R: Let's not get technical, here ... my brain hurts enough as it is. Besides, the location is irrelevant ... "up" is always the direction that the Cheez Whiz is located at. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASMMS "The Swan Goddess" Why is up? ...Why is up? I have been pondering that for a long time. I used to think about it most when I was upsidedown on my stairs looking at the ceiling. What would it be like to walk on the ceiling? I always thought for one thing, you'd have to step over all the light fixtures. But *why* is up, up and down, down? In Wonderland up was down and down was up. Wonderland was pretty cool. The white rabbits talked, mad hatters threw tea parties, flowers sang, catapillars smoked opium, and oysters danced. Actually. Wonderland was really cool. Who else here thought Alice was cute? Raise your hand! (don't worry, "I'm at least 85% heterosexual") So...if in Wonderland, up was down, that means someone else must have pondered that too...(that's why it's called Wonderland don't cha know!) So...I wonder if Lewis Carol spent hours upsidedown on his stairwell? We're painting the roses red! OFF WITH HER HEAD! R: The Reverend Dodgson DID spend a lot of time on the stairwell upside- down. But he couldn't see the ceiling because his petticoats had fallen over his face. Although if he were here, and you asked if anyone thought Alice was cute, his face would be red for more than one reason. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASFJP "Fred Polsky -- Phish.head" The Usenet Oracle has carefully pondered your question. Your question was: > "Why is up?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a second, lemme check. } } "Hey Why!" (knock knock) "You awake?" } } } } hmm. He's not awake. In fact, he's dead. } } You owe the Oracle the mother of all alarm clocks, while it may not be } capable of waking the Dead, it should at least disturb one of Garcia's } naps. R: "UP IS DEAD" ... Wasn't that a New York Times headline? No, I'm sorry, that was "NUNS WHO SMOKE PIPES AND DRESS UP THEIR LAPTOP COMPUTERS IN DOLL CLOTHES ATTACK SAN QUENTIN" ... an understandable mistake. FROM -- ACAD3A::ASRDR "Yrf! Narf! Eargh!" Up is so that falling has a point...could we fall down if there weren't an up to fall from? Up is to make sex more entertaining... Nipty...say "Why is up?" backwards and it sounds like you're sneezing... Gesundheit. R: Falling has no point ... except to get hurt really bad, in direct proportion to how high "up" you are. Other than that, it seems really pointless, unless you almost hit the ground, miss it, and go flying off into the crisp, clear morning air. Oh, by the way, if you say "Lornax exnor dorn" backwards, it sounds like a gerbil in a fight with an accordion. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBAM "Mr. Wizard" Why not? P.S. Sam, you're weird. R: Well ... "Why not" ... um ... "Why not" ... um ... I dunno. "Hi, my name is Wyoming Knott, but you can call me `Wye' as long as you don't ask why not." P.S. Sam, you're weird. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASANM "Re: The I.R.N. Question - Vol 3, #5" Up is like being high. The opposite of being high is being down(not high). And since we all know being down is a part of life we accept it. We all know that if we were never down we could never get it up, and it would constantly be the same. Girls would love it if we never lost an erection. But girls would also hate it if we never went down. So in order to have a true understanding of up you have to first find these things: If we were always high we could always be up, and in always being erect the females wwould want us to go down, and after going down we'd get high again and life would be good. So after reading my theory on why up is, there is only one logical answer for the question. "God put it there to make you ask." R: Yeah ... kinda like trig. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASCSJ "cUrtiS jEweLl -- 3/4 iNsanIty..." Well, there must be opposition in all things, so up is probably why we are not eternally falling down or hovering... It certainly isn't just a collection of letter representations anymore, Toto... R: I don't know about you, but I am always falling down and/or hovering ... unfortunately, it's usually just falling down. Not a lot of hovering. Sometimes I hop up and down a little. FROM -- ACAD2A::PSALP "Planet Reebok" Up is because, on Planet Reebok, there is no down. R: On Planet Reebok, there is no shortage of those little plastic thingies that they put on the ends of shoelaces. They use them for high art. They consume them. They decorate their bodies with them. They form them into intricate gateways to alternate dimensions, for which those little plastic thingies are the key. The flesh of Mr. Belvedere helps. FROM -- ACAD2A::PSSIB "Derelict of Dialect" Why is up? Because if up were down, then falling would be a strange experience, and parachute's wouldn't work, making love an easier thing to fall into. R: Imagine falling into love while wearing a parachute. Or parachute pants, for that matter. Painful in either case. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTJM1 "Equalizer" Why is up? Good question, since everything is relative, that is a relative question. Why ask why? Try bud dry. Just drink until you are unsure of what up is, then reask the question. R: If everything is relative, then just find the right thing to compare this question to, and you'll discover the Grand Unified Theory of Physics and Quantum Mechanics. Or else a good recipe for stromboli. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ANSWERS THAT MISSED LAST WEEK'S ISSUE! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM -- ACAD2A::PSSIB "Derelict of Dialect" "As I was walking out of my house this morning, a spaceship landed in my front lawn and from it emerged..." ...Weirdos from Homer chanting: "Go to the spit! Go to the spit!" So I spit upon them, and I was there already... (I have no idea, I'm tired, so you all figure it out!) R: We'll leave this one as an exorcism for the student.