THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 3, #4 A N S W E R S T O T H E I R N Q U E S T I O N ----------------------------------------------------- "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged..." Volume THREE, Number FOUR March 5, 1993 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus that have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow. That pizza thing was actually pretty fun. But I have one question. Who were all those people? -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD2A::ASMMS "The Swan Goddess" "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged my mother. Only she was a alien lizard. It was time for me she said, to realize my true identity and unzip my human skin. She said that we weren't really from Norway and Finland like I was originally told, but that we were from the planet V. The reason I have such a innate desire to greet another with the hand motion of what the humans considered a sign for peace was actually because it was also the sign of Planet V. So, after finishing my carrot, I tried unzipping myself. But, wouldn't you know it! The zipper was stuck... WAIT just a cotton pickin' moment here....I don't even *have* a lawn! R: I tried that once. (Peeling off my skin, I mean.) Hurt like hell. And the Bactine didn't make it feel better, like in the commercials. I want my money back. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASWDP "WILLIAM D PALMER" sorry bout that, again... a familiar form, at first indistinct but as it stepped down the gangplank I could see its face. In shock, realizing that all the stories I had heard in sensational news reports on t.v., read in the tabloids, and captured from bbs's over the years were true, it took several minutes before I was able to speak. Finally in control of my faculties I put my and out in a friendly gesture, to meet such a prestigious being as this was an honor too great to pass up. For several minutes, unable to think of something to say, I stood there gazing at its form with my hand outstretched. The moment of truth arrived and I could pause no longer, the future of extra-terresterial interrelations was bearing down upon my shoulders and the burdon was great, the only words I could think of which were appropriate for such an occasion simply flowed out of my mouth.... "Welcome Mr. President.... so do you think Clinton has any chance of making progress? Off the record, Mr. President, did you really know what was going on over in Iraq before they stormed into Kuwait?" R: That reminds me. Why would anyone say "off the record" ? Just so they could hear some juicy tidbit, and then not be able to tell anyone? Are reporters masochists? Are masochists reporters? FROM -- ACAD2A::RSJFG "The Ghost Rider" ... my mother. And she beckoned me inside. Mom? This is highly irregular mom. "Cooooommme insiiiiide my chiiiiiillldd." Ooo, mom, those baritones need some work, I replied hesitantly. but what the hey, you only live once. So I stepped inside and R: Interpretations, Freud? FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGAM "Mee and no one else..." From out of the alien ship emerged... ROYCE!! (you're looking a bit peaked these days..sorta alien-like..) hehee!! :-) R: It's from blood loss. I've been donating daily to the blood bank because I need money to support my loofa habit. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBWC "Brady W. Clark - UAA Math VAX" > "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my > lawn and from it emerged ..." Royce Williams... and he was wearing a loincloth and mumbling something about having a hard time remembering the Alamo.. Then he stole my car. God I hate mornings like that. R: Serves you right! At last, I got you back from that time that you ran down the street, collapsed on my lawn, and asked if we had any spare garbage because you were short this week. Then you wouldn't leave me alone until I told you where I hid Jimmy Hoffa. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTJM1 "Equalizer" And from the Alien spaceship, a leper appeared. Arms hanging on by the smallest threads of skin. The leper approached me, and asked where the nearest Acad2 lab was, because it hadn't received its daily dosage. R: What was its username? FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGDS "Geoffrey the Giant Killer" As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged a tall, athletic looking, green-eyed blond woman. She was wearing Black lingere and a cone-shaped bustier. R: No fair just stopping like that! We want to know MORE! What was her name? Where did she take you? How much did you have to beg? Wait a minute! Was it Madonna? Are Madonna's eyes really green? How come women like that never show up in MY spaceships? I always get Mother Theresa or chicks who look like Erwin's mom in "Throw Momma from the Train." FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTJM "VB Extraordinaire & CS Major" .....a uni-legged frog with freckles and a bad disposition R: If I was an amputee frog who was getting too much sun, I'd be pissed off, too. FROM -- ACAD3A::FSJJP "His Royal Highness Corwin" "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged ..." [badeeeep] "We interrupt this show to bring you this important announcement from the people of Masters and Johnson" Regarding the matter of the obsession with sex, we find that it is still very gratifying. "Thank you, keep up the good work. And now we return you to your show" I turn to Mel and say, "Your the best!" The end Now a word from our sponsor: We appologize to the general public for missing out on the latest episode in the life of James. But if you send a self addressed stamped envelope to the address below and $1,000,000 We will gladly send you a video cassette tape of tonights show. Thank you . R: Mel who? Mel Sharpels, the cook on "Alice" ? Mel Brooks? Mel Torme? FROM -- ACAD2A::ASFJP "Fred Polsky -- Phish.head" ...J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, informing me that there had been a fnord problem on Planet X, and that the Pleasure Crafts may be a couple minutes late, and to rely on the luck plane so that I wouldn't die a slow painful terrible ugly death during X-day (NOTICE: X-day has been rescheduled for 7:02 AM, July 5, 1998) He sold me this information for $20.00, stole my shoes, sodomized the cat, and left again, leaving a couple mutilated cattle in the driveway. The next day, I opened a drive-thru burger joint and named it "Hamburgers for Wotan". Health inspectors burned it down (with me in it) later that afternoon. The flames, combined with the traces of Habafropzipulops that had entered my bloodstream from the wafting vapours of "Bob's" pipe, caused a massive implosion, and the whole of the universe was sucked into a small cube with dimensions of 2x2x2 cm. As well, certain areas on the surface were indented and discoloured. It looked something like this: /----------------/ / o /| / / | / o / o| _________________/ | | | o o| | o o | / | | o / | o o | / | | / | o o |/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Bob" left in his spaceship to the Just Outside the Universe (tm), and him and Gh0D played a couple games of craps with the universe. "Bob" bet my $20, and Jehovah-1 bet a couple million of his xtian souls. Gh0D lost. So, the plans for the Rapture thwarted, "Bob" was well on his way toward having Appropriate Pleasure Slaves to staff the X ships, and so every SubGenius may have his own personal "Zombie for "Bob"", available in six colours. Or kill me. R: May Bob and Connie bless you forever, my son. May SLACK and utter VIOLENCE grace the very ground you walk on. Send $1. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTCR "oh boy, here comes trouble" a snowshoe rabbit with a cross through his nose and a M-16 in his paw and a grenade hanging from his tail. Then the drums kick in and the Swedish Bikini team gets off and we have a party for the rest of the day. Then the horns sound and the ship takes off for a destination not known to this world. R: This sounds like a dream that I had once while I was a POW in Korea. Except it was the Finnish Bikini Team. And the rabbit had a Winchester 30.06 and a small packet of "Twinkies." ... UAGH! UAAHAH!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, TORGEIR! YOU'RE HURTING MEEEEEEEEeeeeee.... #15 ACAD2A::ASCJB1 ...and from it emerged.. Captain Picard, Data and Buggs Bunny. Then Buggs looked around and said, "I knew we should of taken a left at that last nova star." Captain Picard then said, "I told you it was the second star on the right" Carrie R: When the IRN is excavated by computer archaeologists of the 25th century, this answer will be pondered by generations of philosophers, who will ask ... "But what did Data say?" FROM -- ACAD3A::FSMLG5 "The Candy Apple Princess" "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged a large group of extremely handsome men wearing nothing but small name tags. The one nearest me, a gorgeous blonde with a firm rear named Timothy, appeared to be the leader and proceeded to kneel before me. The others followed suit and soon I was surrounded by a circle of gloriously naked men. I looked around and my eyes kept falling on the man called Timothy. He asked what my name was. I told him. This resulted in more than a dozen oohs and ahs from the drooling crowd which was so noticeable in my front yard. Finally, the leader stood up and with his men, walked back into the ship with a quick motion for me to stay where I was. Luckily it was early enough in the morning so my neighbors would hopefully not notice. Timothy emerged from the ship bearing diamond tiaras and gold and beautiful flowers that I had never seen before. His men followed, laying even more gifts at my feet. Then they whisked me away for a lifetime of such sensual pleasure that no one will ever experience again. R: The sex question was last week. Sheesh! Get with the program! :) (Tell me what happened and I'll give you a free subscr ... oh, shit.) FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSPK "Nameless" Odo..... (That damn shapeshifter from ST:DS9 who seems to be EVERYWHERE!!!!) R: I think I saw him on "Benson" once. He never changed shape, though. Although he was never in the same room as Kraus the cook ... Hmm. #18 ACAD2A::ASSLK > "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my > lawn and from it emerged ..." royce...which suddenly made everything so clear... :) R: Would you like to share that with the rest of the class, Mr. Kingry? FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRST "Darkside Cowboy" the Hawley-Smoot tarriff... My REAL parents 9 members of the IRN a kinkajou Jesse Jackson Aunt Bee Prince Khajhikistan Milo Bloom Qiviut Rastafarianism Instant Chocolate Pudding William Shatner's hair Royce's Implant the Great Red Shark Baghwan Papa Smurf Sniffles the mouse (Gee Whillickers!) the Pro-Abortion (not Pro-Choice) lobby my evil twin Sam (hey, wait a minute...) Apple II c's Fnord Barbie Whimmy Diddles Sporks some guy with phony skull makeup (must be a Star Trek Alien...) his green card (not an ILLEGAL Star Trek Alien) Al Capote Truman Malone Capers The F99 key Pork Rinds Little Caesar Photon Torpedoes Croissants Croissanwiches(?) Left-handed lesbian albino Nazis for Christ My hat AMC The Awful Green Things From Outer Space (tm) Spleens R: You forgot: "Weird" Al Yankovic mouse balls yams Lex Luthor _The_Green_Futures_of_Tycho_ by William Sleator Cheez Whiz a vorpal bunny tea no tea the Mystic Egg Roll of Returning 6.02 x 10^23 atoms of xenon John Galt a spell book The spell book contains: the frotz spell (cause something to give off light) the rezrov spell (open even locked or enchanted objects) the krozix spell (make a user join the IRN) the vaxum spell (cause a hostile creature to be your friend) the fweep spell (turn caster into a bat) the blorple spell (explore an object's mystic connections) The spell book does not contain: Edie Brickell any artificial sweeteners Nom the Sandgorgon seven thousand tons of scrambled eggs a potted petunia the November 1953 issue of "Playboy" MS-DOS Version 6.01 a frog wearing Chapstick(tm) a headlight six feet of rubber tubing a yak Charles Wallace a picture of Jean Harlowe a Diner's Club card Nomad Jules Verne 4000 gp, 7000 sp, and 3000 cp my biscuits Carrie Blevins FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJRB "POWDERED TOAST MAN!!!" ....oooo, cheese! (Dedicated to Rod, as he owes me money and needs some public, albeit pathetic, humiliation.) R: Why is cheese humiliating to Rod? (No, that's NOT the next IRN fnord question.) FROM -- ACAD2A::FSPWC "I know his name." As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn, and from it emerged...a strange being who said he was come to take over and destroy the world. Emerging next came Gore. R: If you hadn't capitalized that "G" we could have been really confused. FROM -- ACAD2A::FSCLH "a sexual innuendo" "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn and from it emerged..." two beings who asked if i could tell them what the partial derivative of 'mym' was with respect to 'lox' in the equation thirty-eight 'aut' cubed 'lox' squared 'mym' subtract the natural log of 'mym' raised to the sin of 'lox' divided by the square root of 'aux' all over the 'aux'-root of 'lox' squared 'mym'. when i couldn't give them the right answer, they disenigrated my entire block .. luckily, i was re-incarnated as a mainframe... R: Prove: e times pi is a terminating decimal. That oughta keep yer frame busy ... mainly. FROM -- ACAD2A::AXLAS "Leif Sawyer -= CaTS Consultant" "As I was walking out of my house yesterday, an alien ship landed on my lawn, and from it emerged the largest collection of insects and underground creature this side of the pecos. I had never imagined that so many things lived in my topsoil. I called up my good friend the entomologist, and after a good twenty minute wait (which I passed by salting all the slugs, and setting out bowls of stale beer for the ants and earthworms..) he arrived." "Good Heavens!" he exclaimed. "That's an alien ship!" "Yes," I acknowledged, "and it is drawing all of the bugs from the ground into it." Just as I finished telling my friend, the entomologist, about the arrival of the alien ship, and the sudden swarm of ship-bound buggies, we noticed an immense cloud approaching our locale. "Locusts!" He intoned polysyllabicly. "And they're on a bee-line right for the ship!" We took cover inside my previously termite-infested house, noticing that my prior co-habitants had packed their bags, and beat a hasty flight toward our mysterious alien visitor. Many days passed. Many nights also. The bugs kept coming, and disappearing into the alien vessel. After a few more turns of the ol' globe, the air began to thin out. About noonish, the alien ship took off, much to the angst and bewilderment of the local authorities, and the media crew, who had been eating out of my fridge nigh upon a week. Everything seemed happy, until a surge of suicides amongst professional entomologists occurred. The government set up a study group, and a few months later, when people started to notice that things just weren't decaying like normal, that people started to worry. But I didn't. I knew they'd be back. You see, I'm their chosen one. I've known I was the True One when my antenna started to come in... R: And here we thought you were having a bad hair day. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRDW1 "InfoResNet" ... a friendly little linguini named Topaz who wanted to be my friend. He also showed me his stamp collection. R: It's really getting late, isn't it? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEJA WHO? -- Answers that missed last week's edition! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJRB "POWDERED TOAST MAN!!!" Sex for humans is a bit like some incurable itch in the middle of one's back. It cannot be reached for quite some time. When the individual has finally reached the itch, he or she proceeds to scratch the itch until they are quite bloody. The blood tends to make a rather disgusting mess, which the scratcher feels immediately compelled to remove, usually in the most painless manner possible. Some take to peroxide for failsafe sterilization, but other, more sensitive individuals opt for the far less painful hot shower and a beer. Once the scars have healed, the itch inevitably returns and the process is repeated. In some unfortunate cases, the individual becomes so obsessed with his or her itch that he/she becomes quite adept at taking care of the mess. They can o often scratch for days on end with nary a drop spilled. For these blessed individuals, life is quite sweet. R: Oh. So THAT'S why Rod is humiliated by cheese. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASJRB "POWDERED TOAST MAN!!!" Actually, it's just nerves.... R: Yes. Lots of them. In a very small area. #03 ACAD2A::ASWDP Fri 19 Feb 1993 01:26:14 ( 5/ 383) From: WILLIAM D PALMER late response to IRN Q. re: sex... I heard a comedian who stated (and I tend to believe there might be some truth in it) A man spends 9 months trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of his life trying to get back in... I think some women make babies because they didn't have enough dolls to play wit when they were children. (personal opinion, not related to above joke).. R: To quote Opus: "Well, we'll just pass that right along."