THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 3, #1 A N S W E R S T O T H E I R N Q U E S T I O N ----------------------------------------------------- "Is there something you're not telling me?" Volume 3, Number 1 February 2, 1993 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus who have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Letter from the Editor Welcome back! Going to keep to the publishing schedule this semester ... of course, I always say that ... just like I always say that I am going to study more this term ... it never happens. But I'm serious this time. Honest. If you know of anyone who should join, have 'em EXPLAIN ASRDW1 IRN for more info about the whole thing -- probably more info than they desire. The more, the merrier, in my opinion. To those of you who have been diehard IRNers all this time, hey, keep up the good work, guys. Oh, must thank those who are participating in our project to change the face of the world of process names. Spread the RJP (Right-Justified Proc) word to those who you think deserve to know. Damn but if it don't look nifty. As always, drop me a line if you have any questions. -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM --- ACAD2A::ASTJM "Who said life was easy?" I, Todd, being of part brain matter, part waste material to solemnly swear that I have told all. There is nothing I could add that Royce ,God of the I.R.N. and Commander-n-Chief of the funny farm could possibly not know already. "by the power invested in me i declare this food ready to eat" -Sister Act R: "By the power invested in me I declare this user ready to eat." FROM --- ACAD3A::FSJJP "His Royal Highness Corwin" Of course I'm not telling you everything, if I did YOU'd know as much as I. But face facts [turns and faces a committee of facts], with more than one of us knowing everything, all we'd have is a world full of smart asses, instead of just one smart-ass .. :) R: Hmm. We could have taken your word that you are a smart-ass, but NOOOOO ... YOU had to go and PROVE it. :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASGAM "Mee and no one else..." Hmm... There's lots of things I'm not telling you!! I suppose you want to know some of these things?!? And have it publicly advertized among the people that read this? Hmm... I don't know if I should tell you.... Blackmail is a crime you know... R: Well, so is most of the stuff I'm going to blackmail you for. :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASSAF "SHANE A FORTH" What is the I.R.N. and don't tell me it stands for the Irish Republican Navy. R: What is the IRN? Have you tried $ EXPLAIN ASRDW1 IRN ? Jeez, the nerve of some folks. It stands for "Irish Republican Nudists." FROM --- ACAD2A::ASSPK "Something" Yes. My birthdate, my girlfriend's measurements, the answer to why?, the REAL reason we all answer these innane questions, who is following you, who has a right to be paranoid, who knows to much, who has dyed their hair, and finally everything else that we are not telling you. R: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. FROM --- ACAD2A::ASRBB "The Firebird (Rick)" I guess I should have told you that I put tape on my mirrors at home so that I don't accidentally cross through to the other side. Other than that it hasn't been a bad day. Thanks for asking. :) R: I had to read that one twice, boys and girls. I've met this guy. He looks totally normal. He is warped almost to the limits of his own endurance. Envy him. FROM --- ACAD2A::ASTJM1 "Equalizer" Yes, There is, I am a KGB Agent. I am here to find the weaknesses of the US School system (I can't find any strengths),, and take them back, to analize them.. :) R: Analize? I thought that was the job of Greek Counter-Intelligence. FROM --- ACAD2A::ASFJP "Fred Polsky -- Computer Geek" If there was, do you think I'd tell you? R: Um. Obviously not. You think you're Dogbert, don't you? :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASRST "Darkside Cowboy" Me? not telling you?! ermmmm, of course not! and stop looking at me like that!! I didn't know that sheep was such a pervert, and besides, the siamese twins cleared up that whole thing with the bad lsd... now leave me alone!! R: I asked for original answers ... but this answer is copied verbatim from Ladies Home Journal, "What Not to Say at Parties," July, 1976, page 37. Beware. Compilers always check sources. As punishment, I sentence ASRST to rub blue mud in his belly button until Thursday. FROM --- ACAD2A::AXLAS "Leif Sawyer -= CaTS Consultant" Yes. There is something you're not telling me. What the hell is this? Why did I get this strange question, and what does it have to do with "What's the difference between a duck?" You know, absurdism is. Has been. Will be for about twenty more seconds, or until a pair of rabid sheep stumble upon the secret to Life, Itself. Speaking of Life, Itself, that phrase has now been copyrighted by the Alpha/Omega corporation. All uses must now go through them, and all contracts are for life. PS: what does PS stand for? R: Fnord. PS stands for "Post-Silly." Which this is. 3 1/2 stars. Actually, it is reminiscent of my friend Woody. 4 stars. FROM --- ACAD3A::FXMCS "Milo - UAF Academic Computing" Yes, there is something I'm not telling you. Oh, damn! I wasn't supposed to tell you that! R: You're one of those programmers who recurses functions a lot, aren't you? This makes my brain hurt. All right, tell me what it is! "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" FROM --- ACAD2A::ASJRB "POWDERED TOAST MAN!!!" Well......it's-no, I just can't say...oh...I...I....Oh, I just love McChicken I love it all the time, and I love it MORE THAN EVER for a buck buck buck eighty nine. R: Marry me. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASRDR "Weltschmertz" R: Honest, folks, that's what he said. A man who can hold his secrets. The CIA is looking for you, sir ... something about helping Castro? FROM --- ACAD2A::FSTJF "Lost in the whims of the mind" is there something i'm not telling you? i'm not telling you the obvious, or the wrong... i'm not telling you whats right, or left... i'm not telling you the sky is blue, or grey or black... i'm not telling you that what goes up doesn't neccessarily have to come down i'm not telling you everything... but i am telling you this... i'm not telling you the answer either... :) R: You guys just like confusing me, don't you? :) Well, take comfort in the fact that you are also confusing each other. Time well spent. FROM --- ACAD2A::PSCAC "CHRISTOPHER A CULBERTSON" I know why you have started this I.R.N. QUESTION group and am planning to make you pay or I'll tell everyone else. *I'll think I'll start little and work up to the new car* R: All right, I confess. I am using it as a capitalist, bourgeous (I haven't the faintest idea how to spell that) tool to convert the foolish American VAX user into sending messages which we lace with our own keycodes, to spread them to our agents in the field. You caught me. Now please don't tell anyone or I'll have to give back my KGB-Fruit Loop Decoder Ring. FROM --- ACAD2A::ASBWC "Brady W. Clark - UAA Math VAX" I'm not telling you whether or not there is something that I'm not telling you because then I would be telling you that I'm hiding something, and that very fact may lead you to think that I have something not to tell. To tell you the truth, I don't know what I have to tell you, except the truth, which is what I am now supposedly telling you. Tell you what, if you promise not to tell, I can tell you that the truth is in the telling. Or the pudding. No wait, that's the proof. And speaking of proof, you can't prove that I have anything not to tell you. You can't even prove that I have proof that what I have told you that I'm not going to tell you can be proven. Stick that in your pudding. :) Brady Clark R: Ah, but can it be proven that such a prove cannot exist? Is it true that ~P => ~Q ? Spock would be pleased. FROM --- ACAD2A::PSSLA "Lorraine" Why yes there is ! I have a tatoo in an interesting place but I'll never tell the location ! See if you can guess, I might tell you if your right, then again I might not ! R: Sounds like good material for the next IRN question to me. :) FROM --- ACAD2A::FSMLM2 "Rebelheart" Oh Im sure theres lots that I am not telling you *mischievious grin* (she snaps her black leather whip for effect) R: Ooooh, CIA masochists ... "Please don't tell me the secrets!" :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASTCR "Frenchy" You are one of the people that i would never tell everything Royce. I have a lot of secrets that I do not tell everyone. One of the things is Qu'est-que vous-voulez que je te dise? J'aime le dire que tous les pesonne sur c'est network est fou. Et tous les personne ici n'avez pas une vie. So this is what I have not told you are you gald that you now know. R: Condenas mi pregunta? Muerta, cabron de cerdo! :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASDMF "The Electric Messiah" Sure.....I could tell you that I infected all the computers at sears and now you are going to get a QUANTUM LEAP in your paycheck....and you would thank me and name your first born after me....but then I would have to tell you that it was a lie and you would hate me and sulk at the idea that you could have had all that money if I did do that....but oh well..:) R: Woo ... a self-fulfilling answer. (sulk) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASMFP "MARA F PLACE" I have a fetish for sponges. Some people have a fetish for chocolate, or fast food, or a cigarette after sex, well I have a sponge fetish. My latest kick is one of those kitchen sponges with the handle you can fill with soap. I feel such a sense of omnipotence when I hold the little doohickie in my hand, I am powerful, I can remove any baked on food(yes, even baked on lasagna!)and never get dishpan hands. Sponges excite me, and yes, I admit, some sponges(the big fluffy real ones)turn me on. Maybe its just me, but they're so sensual. And lets not even get into the subject of what those mops with the manual sponge squeezers do for me! ;) R: Absorb me! Take me to The Place Where Sponges Are Eternally Blessed! Seriously, though, that is cool. I happen to have a water fetish -- we should get along just fine. :) FROM --- ACAD2A::ASCSJ "Curtis Jewell -- 3/4 Insanity..." Well... other than what other people don't know already, NO! I tell everything to somebody... people just have to find out who it is... Maybe that my sister is all the way out of her mind (you wouldn't know her, but she is one of the reasons I am who I am...)... R: Is she responsible for the 3/4, or the 1/4? :) FROM --- ACAD2A::FSCLH "a sexual innuendo" hmm... well, i'm n telling you about that little spot of skin that is oh, so erotic.. nor am i telling you that my teddy bears name is Missive (as in sub) *sigh* i haven't been tied up in three weeks.. but i did tie uup my boyfriend the otherday.. and oh, you should have seen him thrash.. *smile* but i'm definitely not telling you about sergant smurf.. R: AUGH! No fair! Not Sergeant Smurf! No blackmail! Augh! FROM --- ACAD2A::RSJFG "The Ghost Rider" Okay... This is what I haven't been telling you. Actually it's something that has been bugging me for a long time. I shall put it in the form of a question. (Yes, I DO know the answer.) Does anybody out there in IRN land know the proper response to "Live long and prosper."? It was in one of the movies. Er, maybe it was one of the TV shows.... No, it was in a movie, methinks. R: Well, actually, that IS the response. The first half of the exchange is, "Peace and long life." So you already knew the answer; you just needed to know the question. Sort of like Jeopardy, except without Alex Trebek. Which is, in my opinion, quite an improvement. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- E N D O F A N S W E R S ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANSWERS THAT MISSED LAST WEEK'S ISSUE ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- R: Well, there weren't any. Made ya look!