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The effects of divorce litigation upon families can last for many years after the legal proceedings end. Children who observe their parents in conflict may be left with lifelong scars. It is difficult to remove the stress caused by the legal process from the family environment. This article explores some options.
Parents involved in custody disputes have both legal and emotional needs. Lawyers are called upon to deal with both of these concerns, but attorneys may have little training in psychology and are unprepared to provide this support. Moreover, a lawyer's primary role is to assist a client with their legal needs. It may be important for a parent to obtain an independent counselor who is there to assist a parent who is dealing with the intense emotional upheaval caused by the situation. A counselor may also provide tools which can be used to improve parent communication. Sometimes the effects of custody disputes upon children are extreme, and child counseling may also be necessary. Discuss these issues with your attorney prior to beginning the counseling process.
Parents can take steps to minimize the impact of litigation upon their children. These include not discussing the litigation with the children. Also, parents should refrain from making negative or disparaging comments about the other parent in the presence of the children. The other parent will always be the father or mother of the child. Parents should reinforce the fact that the other parent loves the child and assist a child in looking forward to visiting the other parent.
Visitation exchanges of the children can be stressful scenes filled with tension and harsh words. Parents should do all that they can to minimize the trauma placed upon the children during these events. A child may feel responsible for a breakup of parents, and believe that the friction is all the child's fault. Be as cordial to the other spouse as possible during exchanges and in phone calls when children are watching and listening to two of the most important people in their lives. Assure your children that they are loved and that the parental separation is not the fault of any child.
Occasionally one parent will become hostile to the point that it becomes impossible to have civil conversations. In these cases it may be necessary to install an answering machine to record messages, or a separate phone line so that the children can receive and call the other parent directly. Communication by fax, letter, or a journal which is exchanged can substitute in certain cases for face to face meetings. Finally, lawyers can serve as mouthpieces for parents who are otherwise unable to communicate. This last alternative can be effective, but it is certainly a more expensive method. After the lawyers are gone, parents still need to create an effective way to communicate with one another to co-parent their children.
It may be wise to consult with an attorney about issues concerning the custody and visitation of your children. Many attorneys will consult with potential clients for a nominal fee to answer questions and define the services they offer. The Alaska Bar Association can refer you to an attorney who can answer your legal questions regarding these matters.
Steven Pradell is an Anchorage attorney with a practice emphasizing family law, including child custody, divorce, child support and adoption. © 1997 by Steven Pradell. This article is not intended to provide legal advice and should not be relied on for that purpose.