©1998 Larry Huntsperger
Peninsula Bible Fellowship
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11/15/98
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More Talk On Talking
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11/15/98 More Talk on Talking
Two weeks ago we ran down a little rabbit trail
that I don't think we quite got to the end of,
so this morning I want to
finish what we started.
We were talking about
the way in which our Lord
has designed some of us as talkers
and some as nontalkers.
If you weren't with us then
a few words or reintroduction
will help.
We got into the whole area
because we've been talking
for a number of weeks now
about the futility of attempting to gain a
correct perspective on ourselves
by turning to the people around us
for explanations
or insights into our own significance
or worth
or value.
If we want to trace this problem
back to its origin
we need to go all the way back
to the Garden of Eden.
Prior to Adam's sin
his unity with God
and his open communication with his Creator
provided Adam with the perfect understanding
of who he was
and why he had value
and why his Creator had brought him
into being.
He knew he had been formed by God
in the image of God
for friendship with God.
But then, through Adam's rebellion against God
that union between himself
and His Creator was shattered.
And from that time on
we human beings have been frantically looking
for
some other voice,
some other mirror,
some other means by which
we can affirm our worth
and find some measure of peace with ourselves.
And you know what we do, don't you.
We spend all day, everyday
asking other human beings
what they think of us.
Oh, we don't use words to ask the questions,
But we listen to the way they talk to us.
We see if they are willing to listen to us.
We watch their expressions
and carefully scrutinize the tone of their
voice to see if they like us.
EX. I remember when my daughter
was three or four years old
my wife, Sandee had said something to Joni
from another room in the house.
Joni paused for a moment
before she answered,
and then she called back,
"Mommy, would you say that again - I couldn't
tell if that was a sad voice,
a mad voice,
or a glad voice."
Where did she learn that?
She didn't learn it.
It is built into her from birth.
We enter this world
with our focus glued to those around us,
looking to their responses
in order to tell us who we are.
And I mentioned two weeks ago
that this little scheme of ours
to attempt to figure out who we are
by looking at those around us
has two major flaws.
First of all,
those around us don't know who we are.
They did not create us,
they did not create and form our identity,
and they have no knowledge of our unique,
special design.
And second,
not only do they not know who we are,
but they don't really care who we are
because they, like us, are frantically trying to figure
out their own life
by looking at us.
And then I offered just one example
of why we have so much trouble
understanding ourselves
by looking to those around us.
I mentioned that there seem to be
two distinctly different groups of people in the
world,
talkers and nontalkers,
and the two groups are almost incapable
of correctly understanding one another.
And just to refresh your memory,
I offered the following descriptions
of the two groups.
The talkers use speech as their primary tool
for emotional contact with their world.
They can and do articulate their feelings
and their thoughts quickly and easily.
But it's more than just that.
They refill their emotional tanks
through verbal communication.
The greatest terror of the talker
is silence.
Three minutes of absolute silence
is a terrifying experience for them.
If a talker is with another person
and a silence of more than a few seconds occurs
the talker will find something to say -
anything!
They'll talk about the pattern of the carpet,
or the height of the tree in the front yard,
or the population of Anchorage,
and they urgently want
verbal response back
from the people around them.
And here is the important thing to remember about
the talkers -
when they talk
they are not really talking
about whatever they're talking about.
When the talkers talk
they are really asking two urgent questions:
1. Are you there for me?
2. Do you care about me?
In other words,
they are using a flood of verbal communication
to continually validate themselves.
That, of course, is why silence is such a terrifying
thing for the talker -
silence while in the presence of another person
gives the talker the message:
"I don't matter,
I'm being emotionally abandoned, I'm
not loved or accepted."
Then there is the other half of the world -
the nontalkers.
Whereas the talkers are refueled through talking
with others,
the nontalkers are drained and exhausted by it.
For the nontalker,
not only is silence not an enemy,
it is actually a friend.
Silence is like a warm, cozy, soft blanket
into which a person can snuggle.
Silence is safe.
Silence is friendly.
The nontalkers are drained by social contact,
and they must have blocks of isolation
built into their lives on a regular basis
or they quickly become emotionally
exhausted.
One of the best ways to communicate love to a
nontalker
is to be with them
without requiring them to talk.
Nontalkers stand in awe of the talker's ability to
think of so many things to say.
And, when nontalkers are with talkers,
they tend to view themselves
as rather dull,
uninteresting people by contrast,
sort of like God forgot
to equip them with a personality gene.
I personally think
it is almost impossible
for the talker and nontalker groups
to understand one another.
Talkers will always believe
that nontalkers really could plunge into the
exciting world of verbal communication
if only they would try a little harder.
They look at it as a growth issue,
a will issue,
a try-a-little-harder-and-you-can-do-this-too
issue.
And apart from the work of God in their lives,
nontalkers are no better.
They will have just as much difficulty
accepting the talkers in their world.
They will have a strong tendency to look at the
talkers around them
as compulsive noise machines
running in terror from the great Silence
Dragon pursuing them.
The nontalkers cling to a secret hope
that the talkers in their lives will eventually run
out of words
or find just a few seconds of inner harmony with
themselves
so that the endless flood of words will cease
and the world can finally know
just a few moments of peace and quiet.
That's where we were two weeks ago.
After the service was over that morning
I had a great conversation
with a husband and wife in our fellowship.
I had made the comment during the teaching
that, even though the two groups
have a terrible time trying to understand one
another,
yet they also tend to marry one another.
And in my conversation with this couple
they mentioned that they were actually
both talkers.
I said that was interesting because
Sandee and I were both nontalkers.
When I said that
the husband asked me what I thought
was a tremendously insightful question.
He said, "So what, when the two of you go to bed
do you just say, "Goodnight" and go to sleep?"
I said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, that's exactly what
we do."
Then he said the two of them will often talk for
several hours after they get into bed.
In fact, he said he has sometimes caught
himself talking on
even after his partner has finally drifted off
to sleep.
If I had to talk for two hours after going to bed
I would have died of ulcers
or high blood pressure years ago.
As a nontalker,
I look at being able to say "Goodnight" and
knowing that
no further verbal communication is required
of me for eight hours
as being my reward
for having communicated faithfully
all day.
Now, the reason I've brought us all back to this
again
is because I realized that we should have spent a
little more time
talking about how our Lord
seeks to change our outlook on
and relationship to these two groups
once His Spirit begins to work in our lives.
And let me start by stating what we already know -
the two groups tend to react to one another
and view one another
as flawed or defective.
Talkers tend to look at nontalkers
as people who just need to try harder to
communicate,
and nontalkers tend to look at talkers
as people who really need to just shut up for
a little while.
And let me just mention
the natural flesh responses
of the two groups to one another.
In the flesh
the talkers will tend to try to pump the significant
nontalkers in their lives with questions,
trying to force them to communicate,
an approach that will nearly always fail
dismally.
If the pumping brings any response at all
it will be limited to one line
or one word answers.
"Yes."
"No."
"Don't know."
"Whatever you think."
Rarely does pumping produce any genuine
communication
unless you get the nontalker so angry
that he blasts out in a brief, intense rage.
And the nontalker's basic flesh response
to the talkers around him
is to withdraw into an even deeper silence
than he would normally have.
Nontalkers are great for the "silence treatment". It is
their ultimate revenge
because it makes them feel
both secure
and in control,
and at the same time
drives the talker they are angry at crazy.
Obviously, neither response
is either productive
or healthy for the relationship.
But in this area,
as in all areas of our life,
God's presence within us
can bring tremendous changes in our
lives.
He does not alter His basic design of us -
He doesn't try to turn talkers into nontalkers
and nontalkers into talkers.
But He seeks to free us from the negative aspects of
our natural personality traits.
And let me give you the overview in a single
statement
and then I'll try to explain how it works out in
our lives.
First, with all of us, He seeks to establish within us
an unshakable security
in our own unique identity
by taking our eyes off of those around us
and placing them upon Him,
enabling us to hear the sure and certain voice of our
Creator telling us who we are.
Second,
He seeks to equip each of us
to serve as a crucial confirmation voice in
the lives of those around us,
confirming in them
the truth concerning their own unique value
to God.
For both talkers and nontalkers alike
that process must start
by our listening to our Lord
about who we are.
Until we have heard Him telling us about His love
for us,
until we have felt His arms around us,
hugging us,
confirming our value to Him,
we are not able to affirm anyone else around us.
As long as I need you
in order to affirm me
I am not yet ready to tell you the truth about
yourself
because I still view you as simply a means to a
desperate end -
"Tell me I have value...Tell me I have
value...Tell me I have value."
But once I have heard the voice of my God
telling me the truth about myself
I am free to tell you the truth too.
Then, once that truth becomes a growing reality in
our lives,
we can begin telling those around us the truth.
And this is the way it works.
For the nontalkers
God begins to give us ears
to hear the real questions
the talkers in our lives are asking
with all of their talking.
Remember what they are?
1. Are you there for me?
2. Do you care about me?
Then the Lord will seek to show us
how we can answer those questions.
And here is the one practical "HOW TO"
I want to offer you
in this whole business: invest active listening
in the person we are with.
Active listening is very different
from simply allowing the talker
to drone on and on and on in our presence.
Active listening demands an act of our will.
It is choosing to focus our mind
and our attention
on the person who's talking.
It involves eye contact
and body language that says,
"I'm really listening to you."
Sometimes it involves a few carefully place
questions:
"How did you feel about that?"
"How did they respond when you said that?"
"What do you plan to do now?"
It is all too common for talkers
to live with the assumption
that nobody's really listening to them.
The more they talk
the less people listen.
Choosing to actively listen to a talker
can sometimes have a powerful impact on them
and it will always communicate genuine
concern.
And, then, how about the talker's relationship with
the nontalker?
What does God seek to accomplish there?
Well, the first huge step
is bringing the talker to the point
where he can accept the nontalker in his
silence -
honestly believing that the nontalker's silence is
not a flaw,
and its not a personality defect.
We don't have time to dig into it today,
but I find it fascinating that both Paul
and Peter divide spiritual gifts
into two broad categories:
speaking gifts,
and serving gifts...
And then, second, the Lord will also
seek to develop in the talker
that same ability to actively listen.
And this will sometimes mean
that the talker will have to enter
the terrifying world of silence.
It means the talker
will have to value real communication
more than they value the security
of the sound of their own voice.
It means the talker
will need to learn how to ask one question
and then keep silent
until the nontalker
has responded,
and then NOT bombard the nontalker
with their own answer to the question.
And please note this is radically different
from attempting to "pump" the other person.
Pumping attempts to turn the nontalker
into a talker
by bombarding them with questions.
What we are talking about here
involves learning how to encourage
and at times guide the nontalker
through the frightening world
of verbal communication.
I can remember a number of years ago
being with a nontalker I knew well
for an hour or more with almost nothing
being said between us.
And then all of the sudden
the nontalker said just one sentence.
"Larry, I'm really hurting!"
And I suddenly realized
this nontalker felt as though
he had said everything that needed to be said
in that one short burst.
It fascinates me that both talkers
and nontalkers bring the same exact
assumption and fear
to their communication with one another:
The assumption is this:
"This person doesn't really want to hear what I think
or what I feel
or what I have to say."
The talker handles that fear
by piling on more and more and more words.
The nontalker handles that fear
by saying nothing.
True, active listening is often the greatest gift we can
ever give one another.
And then just a word about the growth points
I believe God will offer to both groups
as they look at themselves.
For the talker
I believe the Lord will seek to bring the talker to
the point where they will stop talking
and start communicating.
By that I mean they will stop hiding behind their wall
of words
and risk entering the other person's world.
And for the nontalker
I believe the Spirit of God will seek to bring
them
to the point where they will stop hiding
behind their wall of silence
and risk sharing themselves
in those relationships in which they
feel safe.
The root problem, of course,
is the same for both groups:
both are hiding for fear of rejection.
The talker hides behind his words,
the nontalker behind his silence.
And for both
healing takes place
as they risk venturing out into the open.