©2003 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship

06/15/03

Fathering Like Our Heavenly Father

6/15/03 Fathering Like Our Heavenly Father

Happy Father’s Day!

We are going to pull out of our study of Ephesians for a week

so that I can share with you some thoughts on fathering.

Now, to get us going here,

I need to remind us of a little background

that will help us to better appreciate why this whole fathering thing

is so much more important to us

than we may at first allow ourselves to recognize.

Those of you who were here last week may remember

that during our discussion time following the teaching

we were talking about the way in which God created us as relationship creatures.

The world is not God’s ant colony

with Him creating all of us millions of people

to serve as His little worker ants

who scurry here and there doing the work He wants done on the earth.

We were each created by God specifically for personal relationship with Him.

Do you remember those words we were looking at a few months ago from the first chapter of Ephesians?

EPH 1:4-5 ...He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will...

That is the voice of our God speaking

not to the nameless masses of the humanity,

but to each one of us personally.

He chose us for Himself.

We are each His unique creative work,

and then He designed a way in which we could each enter into an eternal father/child relationship with Him.

It is what we are here for

and the discovery of that truth

is the first and greatest calling of every one of our lives.

The problem, of course,

is that we each enter this world

with an inner spirit in rebellion against God,

determined to live our lives independent from Him.

We cannot hear His voice,

and we do not want or trust His involvement in our lives

except as we regulate and control that involvement through man-made religious systems.

That, by the way,

is one of the chief purposes for which we create and involve ourselves in religious systems -

those systems allow us to keep the control of our relationship with God.

We write the rules,

telling ourselves that we are fulfilling our God-obligations

if we keep those rules

and fulfill those religious duties that we’ve placed on our lists,

and then through those rules and systems of religious duties

we skillfully hide from a true daily living submission to and interaction with our Creator.

Lists and religious duties are so comfortable, so controlled, so predictable.

Life lived in the presence of the living Creator God is anything but comfortable,

or controlled,

or predictable.

It’s no wonder we snuggle under our religious systems so often.

Sandee and I were talking this past week about one of our favorite quotations from C. S. Lewis’ The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe.

If you’re familiar with that remarkable series of children’s books

you know that Lewis creates an imaginary world

in which animals can talk

and Christ exists in the person of Aslan, the Lion.

There is one scene in the book

in which three children who have entered this world

are talking with Mr. Beaver who tells them about Aslan,

preparing them for Aslan’s possible arrival on the scene.

After listening to Mr. Beaver’s description of this awesome creature who may appear at any moment

they respond by saying, “But...is he SAFE?”

To which Mr. Beaver responds, “No, of course He’s not safe, but He’s GOOD.”

Religion is man’s way of attempting to make God safe.

It’s our way of putting a leash around Aslan’s neck,

and a muzzle on His mouth,

when the truth is there is nothing even remotely safe about a daily living relationship with God Himself.

He will alter everything He touches.

He will recreate our lives again and again and again.

He will open our eyes to see things we never even knew existed,

and give us eyes to see other things from radically new perspectives.

Do you remember where we were a few weeks ago

when we were talking about Christ as the cornerstone rejected by the builders of this world system?

LUK 20:18 "Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces; but on whomever it falls, it will scatter him like dust."

If you have allowed yourself to believe that the Christian life is primarily a matter of getting “saved”,

and “going to church” once a week,

and reading a chapter or two from the Bible on a regular basis,

you have been deeply deceived.

I came to the Lord in the fall of 1966 when I was 19 years old.

Or more accurately,

my Lord barged into my life in the fall of 1966,

demanding my submission to Him,

and refusing to negotiate on the terms of that submission.

And every day of my life from that time on

there have been two distinctly different worlds co-existing within me.

There is the world I brought with me into my union with Christ,

the world of Larry’s own design,

the world in which what I want above all else

is comfort,

and security,

and isolation,

and protection from anything and everything that threatens me.

Every morning of my life

that old Larry-world seeks to set the priorities for the day.

It tells me that comfort, and security, and protection are the goals that will make me happy.

It tells me

that any issue that involves pain

should be avoided at all costs.

It tells me that the goal in all things is whatever will make my life more comfortable,

no matter what the cost may be to others.

That is Larry apart from his God.

And that Larry will be with me as long as I live within this body on this earth.

I’m sometimes fascinated to notice the subtle ways in which this Larry expresses himself within me.

Several weeks ago I was talking with Chuck about his move to China in August,

asking him how the SARS epidemic might affect his plans.

He told me that at that point, because of the virus, it was impossible for anyone to either enter or leave the region,

and there was no telling how long those restrictions would remain in place.

Do you know what my first response was to that news?

I was thrilled!

I didn’t care how many thousands of nameless people had to die in agony

so long as I could keep Chuck right where he is.

I didn’t even care about Chuck’s plans and goals for the future.

All that mattered was what made life feel better for me.

But then there is this other world existing within me as well,

this world I entered into the night I got down on my knees in my dorm room

and told my God if He wanted my life He could have it,

this world I never even knew existed before that night.

It is the real world,

the true world,

the world of life lived in the presence of the King.

It is the world in which my God gives me eyes to see every aspect of my life

as I have never seen it before,

a world in which relationships become more important than my rights,

my possessions,

my ideas,

or my goals,

a world in which, rather than people being the means by which I achieve my goals,

the people themselves become the most important goals of all.

It is a world in which learning how to love,

and learning how to listen,

and learning how to recognize and follow the voice of my Lord

becomes vitally important,

a world in which growth becomes more important than security,

and pain can even become my friend.

When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character, men of integrity with no weak spots. (J. B. Phillips translation of James 1:2-4)

It is a world in which success in life has almost nothing to do

with the perpetuation of any type of religious form or system,

a world in which success and fulfillment has everything to do

with how I respond to the living presence of my God in my life on a moment-by- moment basis,

a world in which being real,

and being honest

becomes far more important than being right,

or safe.

And every day of my life

those two worlds collide within me,

and I must once again choose which one I will accept as the real world.

And at those times when the world of life with my God seems too risky,

too uncomfortable,

I, too, will attempt to hide from His reality behind my religious form and system,

because that, most of all,

is why man created religion - as the ultimate hiding place

from the living reality of our God.

And look how far off track I’ve gotten

when all I started out to do

was to offer a brief comment

on why the role of the father has become so crucial in our lives.

For, you see, because we enter this world separated from our God,

with our spirits unable to hear what he is saying to us,

the problems this separation creates for us are massive.

And at the top of the list of those problems

is the fact that, without the ability to hear the voice of our Creator,

we do not know who we are,

or why we are here,

or what our purpose is,

or why we have value and identity.

All the things we need to know most about ourselves,

all those things that make sense out of life

and give us direction,

and identity,

and purpose are missing.

We know we have significance.

We know we have value.

We know we have purpose.

We know in our spirits that we are eternal beings.

But without the ability to hear the voice of our God

we don’t know what that significance

and value

and purpose is.

Simply put, we don’t know who we are.

So how do we go about answering those questions?

From the day we are born

we immediately seek out the best God-substitute we can find in our little world,

the one who is bigger,

and stronger,

and more powerful,

the one who assumes the role of supreme authority in our lives - our father,

and we delegate to him the right and the responsibility to tell us who we are,

and why we have value and significance.

Now, obviously, we rarely think in those terms consciously,

but that is exactly what is going on between us and our human fathers

and between us and our children if we are fathers.

Which brings me to my first random father observation I want to offer you this morning.

If you are a father,

or if God has given you a father role in the life of another person,

the key to effectiveness in that relationship

is to relate to your child or your spiritual child

following the same pattern that God uses to relate to us as our Heavenly Father.

And let me clarify something I just said before I go any farther.

I just referred to relationships

in which we serve a father role in the life of another person.

Now obviously the first thing we think of

is the natural father/child family relationship

that God has designed into human society

at the most foundational level of our existence.

No human being enters this world

without a biological father.

And in God’s design

that biological father should provide the fathering oversight for that child

throughout the rest of his or her life.

But in practical reality

in countless situations

the biological father does not or cannot fulfill that role.

But that in no way diminishes the hunger within each of us

for some authoritative voice to fulfill that fathering role.

And if our biological father does not fulfil the role,

we will find an alternative voice to fill the void,

or suffer significant consequences within us because of that void.

And I am absolutely convinced

that there is no more significant role,

and no more powerful opportunity to accomplish good in another person’s life

than those times when God allows us to serve as the spiritual father of another person.

And let me give you a definition of what I’m talking about here

so that you know where I’m coming from with this.

We serve as a spiritual father in another person’s life

when, with our actions, our words, and our general approach to the relationship,

we communicate to another person

the truth about who they are as a unique creative work of God -

their incredible value as God’s special creation,

their significance to Him,

and their crucial role and importance in this world.

In other words, we tell them the truth about who they are as God’s unique creation.

And this role of spiritual father has no gender to it.

The truth is, every time we relate to another human being

in a pattern that is consistent with the way God relates to us

we are serving the role of a spiritual father in their lives.

We become the voice of our Heavenly Father

communicating and confirming the truth.

And just to keep this in perspective,

it is essential we keep in mind the crucial questions the father or spiritual father is called to answer for those we father.

Am I a person of significance, of worth?

Why do I have value?

Do I have any purpose in life?

Does my being here matter, and if so why?

And for the last few minutes of our time together this morning

I want to see if I can take what may be sounding very theoretical

and bring it down closer to where we live.

For me to suggest that our calling as fathers,

either physical or spiritual fathers,

is to communicate the answers to questions like why do I have value,

or why do I have purpose,

or who am I

may sound like something out of a college psych course.

But the truth is

answering those questions for our children

is not nearly as complicated as we might think.

I’m not saying it’s easy,

I’m just saying it’s not all that complicated.

We do it for them

the same way our God does it for us.

And what does He do?

He steps into our lives at the deepest possible level,

communicating to us that He knows us fully, completely,

and then He loves us unconditionally

in the context of that total knowledge of us.

He knows exactly who we are,

and He loves us deeply and eternally on the basis of that knowledge.

And when we are finally able to hear that love

it answers those questions about our value and our purpose for being here.

And effective human fathering is accomplished by following exactly the same pattern.

First, we find out who the person is that we are trying to father,

and then, in the face of that knowledge,

we love them

and communicate that love to them.

And right here is where we’re going to get both practical,

and, for those of us who are male,

we are very likely also going to get terrified,

because both of those things require us to become emotionally vulnerable to our children,

and there is nothing more terrifying to the male temperament than emotional vulnerability.

The male temperament loves projects.

We love producing something,

or accomplishing something,

or overcoming some great obstacle,

and then being appreciated for what we have done.

I mentioned last week that I’m building a garage this summer.

I love building a garage.

I love being able to look back over the past six hours of work

and seeing what I’ve done.

I love having my next door neighbor, Chuck, wander on over and inspect my work.

I don’t even care all that much if I do stuff wrong,

or if I make mistakes along the way.

But put me next to my pregnant daughter

who is in danger of losing her child,

and I feel utterly overwhelmed

because I’m forced to become emotionally vulnerable.

And it certainly isn’t that men find it harder to love than women.

It isn’t that we don’t love,

it’s that allowing ourselves to feel that love,

or even worse to communicate that love at the feeling level

is absolutely terrifying to us.

And yet, unless we are able to do that to and for those we father,

we can never effectively fulfill our fathering role in their life.

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago

we were talking about how God’s healing work in our life frequently cannot become a reality

until He has been able to touch us at the feeling level?

Well, the same principle applies in our human relationships,

and certainly in those crucial fathering relationships in our lives.

It is a remarkable but true reality

that a father can love his children deeply,

and yet never allow his children to see anything other than negative emotional responses to them -

anger,

frustration,

disappointment,

irritation,

and that whole range of negative emotions involved in discipline.

So, here’s my practical suggestions for effective fathering.

And I’ll phrase these in a way that fits with the father in the home environment,

but the same principles can be applied

to every one of those spiritual fathering opportunities that God brings into our lives.

First, get to know your child by choosing to enter their world

and allowing them to show you how that world looks through their eyes.

Never assume that just because you have lived in the same house with your child since the day of their birth you know them.

You may know their family survival techniques.

You may know their habits,

and the things they do that irritate you.

You may know how to motivate them to do what you want,

how to control them and their behavior in different situations,

but you do not know them unless or until you choose to enter their world on a one-to-one basis.

A number of years ago

I saw the results of a national survey

that measured the average direct one-to-one communication that takes place between a father and each of his children on a daily basis.

I’ve forgotten the exact figure now,

but the time was measured in seconds a day.

So, step one - enter your child’s world,

not in a group,

not as a family outing,

but one-to-one,

and risk learning how to listen to them.

If you have some activity you know your child enjoys, do that with them

so long as the activity becomes a tool through which you enter their world

rather than a hiding place by which you actually avoid communication.

And here are the keys -

it has to be one-to-one,

the goal is not to teach them something,

the goal is to enter their world and see through their eyes.

Ask them questions that invite them to talk.

Don’t just say, “How was school today?”,

because you know already what the answer will be - “Fine.”

Ask them what part of the school day they enjoyed most? And why?

Ask them what was the worst part of the day? And why?

And if the worst part of the day was the “F” on the pop quiz,

don’t turn parental and say, “WHAT! You got an F!?”

Ask them if they would like your help with their studies,

or invite them to share why that class is so hard

and how they feel about it.

Well, you see what I’m saying I hope.

The beginning of all effective fathering

requires us to enter our children’s lives without judgment,

without condemnation.

And where do we learn that?

We learn it where we learn everything else worth knowing - from our God.

JOH 1:14 ¶ And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.

JOH 3:17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

And then, step two, communicate love at the feeling level.

And I’ll offer you three practical tools that can help with this.

1. Direct eye contact... look into your child’s eyes.

If they will look back,

if they will allow you to make direct eye contact with them

without dropping their eyes,

you’ll know their spirit is open to your spirit

and they will be able to hear the love you communicate.

If they will not make direct eye contact with you,

you need to go back to step one - entering your child’s world on a non-judgmental level,

and stay there until they will let you in,

or you need to find out where you have wounded your child’s spirit

in a way that has caused them to seal you off,

and ask their forgiveness for your sin against them.

2. Touch them. Touch them. Touch them.

“But I’m just not one of those touchy-feely guys. It’s just not me!”

I don’t care... touch them.

Put your hand on their shoulder.

If it’s age appropriate, tickle them,

wrestle with them.

Wrap your great big papa arms around them and hug them

Touch them!!

3. And every once in a while,

put it into words.

“I love you so much.”

And then just one additional concluding thought.

We can father another person literally at any point throughout their life,

from birth all the way through adulthood.

But the most effective single age,

the age at which I believe we get the most bang for the buck,

the age at which we can accomplish more with greater impact than at any other age is adolescence,

and especially early adolescence.

It is at that time that our children are crying out the loudest

for the voice of authority to tell them who they are,

to tell them the truth about themselves as God’s creation.

And isn’t it fascinating that this, the greatest open door of fathering,

comes at the same time that our children typically are at their worst from the adult perspective.

And where do we learn this?

We learn it the same place we learn everything else worth learning - from our God’s relationship with us.

ROM 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.