©2002 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship
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2/24/02 |
To Love And Honor Pt. 3 |
Ephesians 4:32 |
2/24/02 To Love and Honor Pt 3
We left our study of the marriage relationship unfinished last week,
so we’ll move back into it today
and complete what I want to share with us about what I believe to be
the three pillar principles
upon which strong marriages are built.
We began our study two weeks ago
by looking at the underlying question
being asked by both men and women in the marriage relationship.
It is a question that each of us brings with us
not just into marriage,
but into life itself,
a question rooted originally in our separation from our Creator.
Because we all enter this world separated from God,
we also enter it with no clear understanding of who we are,
or why we have value.
And even when we return to God through faith in Jesus Christ
we are deeply dependant upon the voices of those around us
to confirm to us the truth.
And the essential first step
in building a strong,
deep,
fulfilling marriage
is realizing that, under all of the other stuff that’s going on in our relationship with our marriage partner,
every day we live
we are asking one another
one simple yet crucial question -
“Do I have significance? Do I have importance? Do I have value?”
And the marriage relationships that really thrive
are the ones in which,
at some level
those involved in that marriage
have learned how to mirror in their relationship with one another
the kind of relationship that God offers us through Christ -
one in which we are known honestly
and accepted completely on the basis of that knowledge.
In other words,
our goal is to become for our mate
the most powerful human voice they will ever have
confirming to them the eternal worth and significance they possess as God’s unique creation.
Then, from there we went on last week
to look at the first two principles
given to us by our Lord
to help us to understand how we go about doing that.
They are both recorded for us in a single verse,
found at the end of an extended passage in Ephesians dealing with marriage.
In Ephesians 5:33 Paul says,
Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his
own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her
husband.
As we moved through our study of that verse
we saw that, even though both men and women are asking one another
the same basic question
within the context of the marriage relationship,
they are able to receive the answers to that question
through distinctly different channels.
Men and women are able to receive confirmation
of the truth about their eternal value as unique creations of God
in distinctly different ways.
The wife is able to hear that message
through the husband loving his wife
as Christ loved the church.
In other words,
as a husband structures his life in such a way
that his wife - her needs,
her fulfilment,
her growth,
and his creating for her and environment
in which she can become all that God designed her to be
becomes the husband’s highest priority and calling in life,
through those choices he will communicate the message
that his wife’s spirit most longs to hear.
And it never ceases to amaze me
how much our natural thinking processes
are exactly opposite from the truth.
Most of us men,
when we hear a statement like the one I just made,
hear it initially as some sort of death sentence.
We hear it as the end of life as we know it.
So what?
Are we really suppose to suddenly give up
all of the stuff we want to do,
all our hobbies,
and interests,
and ball games,
and projects,
and just sit around with our wife all the time?
Get real, Larry!
Well, in response let me offer just two more comments here.
First, let me assure you that your wife really does not want you next to her 24 hours a day.
The thought is as terrifying to her
as it is to you.
Frequently the most difficult adjustment a wife ever has to make
is the one that comes the day her husband retires
and she suddenly finds him THERE
all day, every day,
and she has to figure out what to do with him.
The central issues in this whole business of husbands loving their wives are two-fold - priority and honor.
Where have we placed our wife
on our practical list of life priorities?
Have we chosen to make her
the highest priority in our life?
When we face a choice between our career and our wife,
which do we choose?
When we face a choice between our hobbies and our wife,
which do we choose?
When we face a financial choice
between a boy-toy
and something our wife feels we need for the nest,
or for the family,
or for the children,
which do we choose?
Our Lord made us His highest priority,
right up to the point of His own death for us.
And the central issue for the husband,
on a daily basis,
is where he places his wife
in his own life priorities.
And the other key issue here
is that of honor -
a husband honoring his wife
with his attitude toward her.
There is a fascinating statement
at the end of Proverbs chapter 31,
the chapter describing the Godly wife.
In verses 28-29 it says:
PRO 31:28 ...Her husband ... praises her, saying:
PRO 31:29 "Many daughters have done nobly, But you
excel them all."
It is that attitude of honor
we husbands are called to communicate to our mate.
And as long as I’ve wandered into this,
before I leave it I’ll offer just one more practical suggestion.
One of the most powerful ways we husbands will ever have
for honoring our wives
is through the active recognition
of the remarkable partnership arrangement God establishes between a husband and a wife when they marry.
When He says the two shall become one,
one of the things He is telling us
is that, in a unique way,
He relates to the married couple as a single unit.
In practical terms,
this means it is impossible
for either the husband or the wife
to fully understand the leadership of Christ in their lives
apart from one another.
It is crucial
for both husbands and wives
to live with an unshakable confidence
in the insights,
concerns,
feelings,
and goals of their mate.
Simply put,
it is impossible for one marriage partner
to consistently understand
the working of God in their life
without the active involvement of their mate.
Unfortunately it seems that men
have a far more difficult time
grasping this truth than women.
A married person
who chooses to make any significant life decision
without seeking and trusting the input of their mate
is forfeiting the most valuable council, insight, and protection against major errors in judement they will ever have.
Our partner may not always know
the intimate details involved in the decisions we face,
but they possess intimate knowledge of us.
They know us better than anyone else will ever know us.
They know our blind spots.
They know our weaknesses.
They know when our motivations are healthy and when they are not.
And that knowledge equips them to be
our strong guard and protector against our own foolishness.
Now, this principle works both ways, of course,
but perhaps again because of that fundamental male insecurity,
we men often must actively choose
to receive the great wealth God is seeking to give us through our wives.
And my point here is simply this -
nothing communicates honor to our wives more powerfully
than the attitude that says,
“We move together in life, or we do not move at all.”
Keep her daily as your highest priority,
and honor her.
And then, my second comment to those of you
who may look at the Lord’s instructions to the husband and feel as though they look like death
is to assure you that in reality
it is exactly the opposite.
For those who marry,
through these instructions
God is revealing to the husband
the doorway that will give him access
into the deepest sense of fulfillment he will ever know.
A man who fails to learn how to love his wife
can succeed in every other area of his life,
and be applauded by thousands for his great achievements,
and yet he will feel empty and unsatisfied inside.
But a husband who has learned
how to communicate love to his wife
in ways she can hear and receive
may be an absolute nobody in the eyes of the world,
and yet he will know
deep fulfillment and satisfaction in life.
He will be able to look at himself and say,
“By the grace of my good God I have done well!” and know it is true,
and it will satisfy.
And then we concluded last week
by looking at the way in which the wife
can communicate to the husband
the message his spirit most longs to hear.
EPH 5:33 ... and let the wife see to it that she respect
her husband.
And we saw last week that
the respect a wife is called to give her husband
is rooted not in what he does
but rather in who he is as a unique creation of God
and in the role he has been given by God in the wife’s life.
Wives, to respect your husband
is to communicate to him with your words
and with your actions
this message,
“I am so thankful for what my Lord has accomplished in my life through you.
I am so grateful for the leadership
and the care I receive through you.
I thank my God for you
and that He has chosen to direct,
and guide,
and shape my life and my future through you.”
And just as the husband is called to choose love,
so the wife is called to choose respect.
A wife’s respect
has the power to bring healing to the husband
as nothing else can do.
And then just one additional comment
before we move on to our final principle for marriage.
Be prepared for a natural resistance within yourself
to accepting and believing the truth
when your mate communicates that truth to you.
It will help to keep in mind
the distinctly different ways in which the sin nature
has affected the male and the female.
The man will long for respect,
yet tend to feel himself unworthy of it,
and as a result always be trying to do something to earn it.
The woman will long for love,
and yet tend to feel unlovable and unworthy of love,
and find it difficult to truly accept and believe
the messages that counter that lie.
Wives, how do you respond inside
when your husband says to you,
“You are so very beautiful!”
Isn’t there something inside you that says,
“Oh yea, right! I don’t think so.”
And yet, if your Lord was standing before you right now,
do you know what He would say to you?
“My child, My special creation, you are so very beautiful!”
And He would, of course, being telling you the truth,
because He does not evaluate us on the basis of some meaningless social standard,
based upon a superficial external facade.
He evaluates us on the basis
of who we really are as total, unique creations of His.
And men,
when our wives give us that message of respect and honor,
don’t be surprised if you find within yourself
a little voice that says,
“Yea, but if she really knew what I was like,
if she knew some of the junk inside me,
she wouldn’t say that.”
And my only comment here
is simply to encourage you to accept and trust the truth messages
that God gives you through your mate.
There are times
when our mate knows us far better,
and far more accurately
than we will ever know ourselves.
Which brings me to the 3rd and final pillar principle for marriage that I want to share with you.
The principle comes not from a passage written specifically on marriage,
but from a statement made by Paul
to the Body of Christ as a whole.
But it is a statement that I believe
captures perfectly
the basic life attitude that must be in place
in order for a marriage relationship
to grow as God intends.
It also comes from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians,
this time from chapter 4, verse 32.
In that verse Paul says,
EPH 4:32 And be kind to one another, tender-hearted,
forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
And if I were to state what I see Paul saying in the form of a marriage principle
I would say that we are called to bathe our partner in an attitude of compassionate forgiveness.
I don’t know what issue
may be driving a wedge between you and your mate right now,
but I do know it isn’t worth it.
She is not your enemy,
to be conquered and controlled,
he is not your enemy,
to be belittled and manipulated.
She is your high calling,
he is your high calling in the Lord,
to be loved,
to be respected,
to be honored.
For your own sake,
and for that of your mate’s,
stop the battle.
Be kind to her,
be kind to him,
tender-hearted,
and bathe your mate in forgiveness.
Did they not do what you wanted them to do?
Forgive them.
Did they not give you what you wanted?
Then choose kindness,
choose forgiveness,
choose a tender heart.
I tell you honestly,
if you are convinced that winning is the most important thing
in your relationship with your mate,
you will end up losing it all in the name of victory.
Most of all what I have wanted to share with you
in this short series on marriage
is the understanding that a strong marriage
really is accessible to every married couple,
and that the basis for a strong marriage
is not luck,
or chance,
or dependent upon things outside of our control.
The basis for a strong marriage
is daily choosing the attitude toward our mate
that creates an environment in which the marriage can grow.
Husbands, choose to love your wives.
Wives, choose to respect your husbands.
And both husbands and wives,
choose to bathe your marriage
in an attitude of kindness, and compassionate forgiveness.
And sometimes all it takes
to reverse a destructive course
is for you to have the courage to say to your mate,
“I have been wrong. I have not given you the love and respect I owe you. Please forgive me.”
If your marriage is not what you long for it to be,
you can, of course,
just keep doing things the way you’ve been doing them,
blaming your mate
for their failure to be what you want them to be,
or to do what you want them to do.
And I guarantee
that if you don’t like your marriage now,
you’ll like it even less a year from now.
But if you’d like to try to set a new direction,
begin by aggressively seeking to learn
how you can communicate to your partner
the truth their spirit most longs to hear from you.
The notes from these three lessons can help.
I would also strongly recommend to all of you
that you take advantage of some of the excellent marriage resources that are available.
There are some brochures on the back table
telling about a Family Life Marriage Conference coming up the weekend of March 15-17.
That Conference is not necessarily for troubled marriages,
but rather designed
for any couple who would like to enrich their communication skills with one another.
Some of you are very likely already planning to go,
and have budgeted for the cost.
But if you haven’t,
and you’d like to attend,
and cost is the one factor preventing you from going,
let me know.
There are easy solutions to that.
And most of all,
if you take nothing else away from this series,
please take this -
know that strong marriages never just happen.
They are built
on the basis of understanding and applying the principles
that create an environment in which the marriage can grow.