©2002 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship

2/17/02

To Love And Honor Pt. 2

Ephesians 5:33

2/17/02 To Love and Honor Pt. 2

We started something last week

that I promised we would conclude today.

We started a two week series on marriage.

I mentioned last week

when we started this short series

that my goal in what we do here

is to provide us with what I believe to be

the few pillar principles

upon which strong marriages are built.

Hopefully these principles

can serve as a sort of mirror

in which we can then see our own marriages more accurately.

I am keenly aware of the limitations

of what we can accomplish

in a teaching situation like this.

I just suggested that these teaching sessions

can serve as a mirror

in which we can better see our own marriages.

That mirror analogy is a good one for several reasons.

You see, mirrors cannot fix anything.

When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror,

(an action that becomes more painful with each passing year),

that piece of glass shows me exactly what kind of project I’m facing

in order to make myself reasonably socially acceptable for the day.

But the mirror itself doesn’t fix anything that needs fixing.

If I use the mirror

to guide me through the reconstructive process

it will have served the only role it can serve.

But I must do the reconstructing.

In the course of this brief study

we will encounter several crucial Biblical principles

that can enable us to see our own marriages more clearly.

But just knowing the principles does not change anything.

They are of value to us

only to the degree that we take them

and apply them in our own lives.

Now, let me prepare you for where we are going

during the time we have together this morning.

I’ll share just a few words of review

from what we looked at last week,

and then we’ll go on to look at

what I believe to be the 3 most crucial Biblical principles

for building a strong marriage.

One of the principles is exclusively for the husband.

One is exclusively for the wife.

And the third is essential for both.

And before we get there

I need to offer two words of caution.

First of all,

the first two principles we’ll look at

really are absolutely closed-circuit communications,

the first for the husband,

the second for the wife.

If it was reasonable to do so,

I would ask all of the women to leave

during the 10 minutes I present the husband’s principle,

and then bring the women back in

and ask all the men to leave

during the time I present the principle for the wife.

To do so would cause more confusion than it’s worth,

but I will say that

if you find yourself filled with an overwhelming urge

to take the principle that applies to your mate

and fling it at him or her

in an attempt to get them to do what you think they should do,

resist that urge at all costs.

It simply will not work.

And Second,

these two principles are not “If...Then” concepts.

By that I mean

they are not presented in a format that says, “If the husband follows the instructions given to him,

then the wife should follow the instructions given to her”, or vise-versa.

They are truths that stand independent of one another,

and as such can be of tremendous value to a marriage

even if only one person in the marriage relationship understands and applies the principle.

Now, last week we spent the whole morning

looking at the fundamental question

everyone of us is seeking to answer

through our relationship with our mate.

Because we all enter this world separated from God,

we also enter it with no clear understanding of who we are,

or why we have value.

And even when we return to God through faith in Jesus Christ

we are deeply dependant upon the voices of those around us

to confirm to us the truth.

And the essential first step

in building a strong,

deep,

fulfilling marriage

is realizing that, under all of the other stuff that’s going on in our relationship with our marriage partner,

every day we live

we are asking one another

one simple yet crucial question -

“Do I have significance? Do I have importance? Do I have value?”

And the marriage relationships that really thrive

are the ones in which,

at some level

those involved in that marriage

have learned how to mirror in their relationship with one another

the kind of relationship that God offers us through Christ -

one in which we are known honestly

and accepted completely on the basis of that knowledge.

In other words,

our goal is to become for our mate

the most powerful human voice they will ever have

confirming to them the eternal worth and significance they possess as God’s unique creation.

But that all sounds very vague and theoretical.

In practical terms

how to we go about doing that?

How can I communicate to my wife

the truth about herself,

her tremendous value and dignity as a child of God?

How can she communicate that message to me?

Given the importance of the marriage relationship in God’s design,

it is remarkable how little communication in Scripture

is directed specifically to the husband and wife.

There are only a handful of passages

in which the New Testament writers

focus directly on the marriage relationship

and say to us, “OK, here’s what you need to know

in order to make this marriage thing work.”

The longest such passage

is only 12 verses long.

It is found in Ephesians 5:22-33.

The passage itself is truly remarkable for what it contains,

but there is something even more amazing

in the final verse of that section.

In Ephesians 5:33

Paul takes the very heart of what he wants to share with the husband and the wife

and he pulls it all together into a single sentence.

It is that sentence that will give us

the first two of the three principles I want to share with us this morning.

But before I read it for us

I want to be sure we are prepared

for what we are going to find here.

When I first saw what was happening in this verse

I found myself utterly amazed

at the truth being revealed to us

about the distinct difference between the male

and the female mind and spirit.

I wasn’t amazed that there was a difference, of course,

but I was amazed at the tremendous value

of the truth being given to us

in these 26 words.

All of us, both male and female,

are seeking confirmation of exactly the same truth,

but men and women are able to hear that truth more easily

through distinctly different channels.

And what we have being handed to us in this verse

is the most remarkable insight

into how husbands can communicate the truth most effectively to their wives,

and how wives can communicate the truth most effectively to their husbands.

Let me state it a little differently.

This verse reveals to the husband

how to communicate the message

that his wife’s spirit most longs to hear.

And it reveals to the wife

how she can communicate the message

that her husband’s spirit most longs to hear.

And with that as background,

let me read the verse for us.

Paul says,

EPH 5:33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

OK, we begin first with God’s instructions to the husband.

He tells us husbands

that the most powerful tool we will ever have

for communicating to our wives

the truth about who they really are

as distinct, special creations of God,

possessing eternal value and significance,

is for us to “love our own wife”.

But Paul knows that we males

really are rather slow to catch on to what’s being said.

He knows, too, that left to ourselves

we will very likely assume

that “loving our wife”

probably means something like feeling loving emotions toward her,

or possibly even feeling sexual attraction or desire for her.

And so, just so that there can be no misunderstanding

about what he’s really saying

Paul defines this love

with two key phrases.

Just a few verses earlier,

when he first introduced this concept in Ephesians 5:25,

he said, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...”

And then, in this 33^rd verse

he tells us that a husband is to love his wife, “...even as himself...”

And right here, of course,

is where I’m going to get myself into trouble.

Right here is where what I say,

or more accurately, what our Lord says

will sound utterly and completely out of touch

both with the society around us,

and with nearly everything we have been led to believe about marriage.

Nearly every man who has ever married

has gone into marriage

focused 100% on what he will get from his marriage partner.

Of course the sex thing is major,

but there are other huge expectations as well.

Feed me.

Wash my clothes.

Keep the house clean.

Make money.

Balance the check book.

Take care of me when I’m sick.

And generally orient your entire life

around my goals, desires, wishes, impulses, preferences, and hobbies.

And when our society speaks to this issue

it tries to suggest that, “No, that isn’t quite right.

It should be more of a 50-50 thing.”

But when God speaks to the husband

He says nothing whatsoever about 50-50.

He says, “Husbands, I want you to love your wives

as Christ loves the church.”

If Christ would have taken the 50-50 approach

it would have meant

that He would have agreed to take half our sins on Himself

and we could then take care of the other half.

If would have meant

that He would have been absolutely faithful to us,

but then we would have to be absolutely faithful to Him

before we could share any friendship together.

Husbands, love your wives

as Christ loves the church.

I can give it to us in a single sentence, I think.

Paul is telling us

that, when a man marries,

from that time on

his wife - her needs,

her fulfilment,

her growth,

and his creating for her and environment

in which she can become all that God designed her to be

becomes the husband’s highest priority and calling in life.

More important than his career.

More important than his snow machine.

More important than his truck.

More important than anything else in his life.

And without getting into something here

that would take us several weeks to get out of,

let me just offer a few words of practical guidance here

on how we go about doing this.

Husbands, begin building into your daily

and weekly routines

an approach to your partner

that reflects your commitment

to place and keep your relationship with your wife

as your highest priority.

And, men, I need to prepare you for something

that I guarantee will occur

at certain points in your marriage.

There will come times

when your wife will test whether or not

she is really #1 in your life.

And the test will be directed at

whatever she perceives as her greatest potential rival for your time and emotional energy.

If it’s your work,

the test may come in the form of her asking you to choose between

that big project and her,

or that big deal and her.

If she sees the rival being your hobby

or your sports

or your hunting

or your fishing

or your flying

there will come a point where she will ask you to choose between them and her.

These tests usually come during the first few years of marriage,

but they can come at any point

where she needs confirmation.

And, I hate to break the news to you,

but she has every right

to ask the question.

You see, God is asking her to trust her life

and her future to your leadership.

Given that,

she has every right to know

where she really fits

in your practical priority system.

I will say, though, that once she is convinced she is #1,

it will produce a respect for you

and an inner security in her

that will bear fruit for the rest of your lives together.

And in the process

you will communicate to your wife’s spirit

that message she so desperately longs to hear,

“You are a special creation of God

with eternal worth and significance.”

#2. And then how about the wife?

How does she communicate that message most effectively to her husband?

EPH 5:33 ...and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

Now, is that an utterly amazing statement or what?

Do you see what that’s saying?

This was not a private statement

made by Paul to Peter’s wife,

telling her that she should respect Peter.

This was not an angel

telling Mary privately

that she should respect Joseph.

This is an open statement

made by Paul to every married woman in the body of Christ.

If you are a married woman here today,

this is what Paul is saying to you about your relationship with your husband.

And I think I know how some of you may respond.

I think some of you may be thinking, “But he doesn’t deserve my respect.

When he acts in a way that deserves respect, I’ll respect him.”

And in response to that

I offer two observations.

First, just as Paul does not link

the husband’s calling to love his wife

to the wife’s performance,

so he does not link the wife’s calling to respect her husband

to the husband’s performance.

The respect a wife is called to give her husband

is rooted not in what he does

but rather in who he is as a unique creation of God

and in the role he has been given by God in the wife’s life.

Wives, to respect your husband

is to communicate to him with your words

and with your actions

this message,

“I am so thankful for what my Lord has accomplished in my life through you.

I am so grateful for the leadership

and the care I receive through you.

I thank my God for you

and that He has chosen to direct,

and guide,

and shape my life and my future through you.”

And what if you don’t?

What if you don’t trust his leadership in your life?

Then choose to.

Choose an attitude of trust and respect

toward the man God has selected

for the most significant role any human being will ever hold in your life.

And isn’t this remarkable -

God calls both the husband and the wife to choices -

husbands choose to love,

wives choose to respect.

And then, second,

I would like to offer a word of explanation

about why this respect thing is so crucial to the male.

One of the consequences of the sin nature in the male

is that all men enter this world

with a fundamental insecurity about themselves.

I’m not going to pretend I understand this,

I just know that we men live with a life-long compulsion to prove ourselves again and again and again.

Whether it is through fierce competition in any shape or form or variety,

or through how fast we can go,

or how high we can climb,

or how much money we can earn,

or how many fish we can catch,

or how many bears we can shoot,

or how many vacuum cleaners we can sell door-to-door,

we are in a constant desire to prove ourselves again and again.

When was the last time you ever overheard a group of women

swapping stories about how big their last souffle was

or how fast their new car would go?

And yet men do it constantly,

describing the hunt again and again,

or sharing every detail of the great sale at work.

This past week our boiler had problems.

It kept getting air in the line,

causing it to pop and pound all night long.

After a very long and involved process

I finally tracked the problem down to a defective relay

that caused the circulating pump to run 24 hours a day.

In a rare moment of self-awareness

I suddenly listened to myself

as I was giving Sandee a long and involved description of my great victory.

She listened patiently,

even responded as if it was a truly remarkable thing I’d done.

But I got tickled because I was once again

doing the male thing - proving myself through my little victory.

And I believe it is this chronic insecurity with ourselves

that makes this respect thing

such a powerful tool for healing in our lives.

When a husband hears his wife express respect for him

it touches and heals something deep inside him.

And if he hears his wife

speak words of honor or praise about him in the presence of others,

it will sustain him for months.

I got a Valentine from Sandee this past week.

The printed part on the inside said:

“looking through

my favorite memories,

I find you

on every page.”

And then at the bottom she wrote:

“I love you, Larry! Now and always you are my Hero!”

I’ll carry a copy of that in my Bible until the day I die,

and just hearing her say that

makes me long to be what she says I am.

Let me pull this together by saying this-

The sin nature in the woman

leaves her feeling unworthy of being loved.

The sin nature in the man

leaves him feeling unworthy of being respected.

And when we counter those fears

in our messages to one another

within the marriage relationship

it brings about profound healing within us.

And of course our two week series

will need to go one more week

so that I can present the 3^rd and final principle I’d like to share with you.