©1998 Larry Huntsperger
Peninsula Bible Fellowship
|
2/1/98
|
Communicating With Difficult People
|
...
|
We are going to take a short break
from our study of Revelation
to talk about a topic
that I don’t believe I’ve ever approached from this perspective.
I want to talk a little bit
about how to communicate with difficult people.
Some questions that came up
during and after our discussion time last week
has made be think
there might be value in our spending a little time with this topic.
Every one of us have
what we would consider to be "difficult people" in our lives,
people with whom our attempts at communication often,
or maybe always seem to end in disaster.
In fact, as soon as I used that phrase "difficult people",
for some of you one specific individual came to mind.
For some of you it was a family member.
For some it was an employer
or an employee.
For some it was some authority figure in your life,
or someone with whom past conflicts
have resulted in a severely strained
and definitely difficult relationship.
And if we were completely honest,
every one of us would have to admit
that we not only HAVE difficult people in our lives,
but we’ve also BEEN difficult people
in other people’s lives at times.
Now, I’m not promising
that I can take 25 or 30 minutes this morning
and clear up every difficult relationship
in every one of our lives.
But I do know that learning how to make progress in such relationships
is at the heart of what our Lord is seeking to accomplish
in the lives of each of His people.
I know that
because that’s what He told us.
Peter says,
1 Pet. 1:22 ¶ Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,
Paul says,
Gal. 5:13 ¶ For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
Gal. 5:14 For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, " You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
Gal. 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.
And our Lord said it best
and most simply:
John 13:34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
John 13:35 "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
You see,
it is not our jewelry,
or our words,
or our bumper stickers,
or our doctrinal statements,
or our skilful use of Scripture,
or the quantity of our Bible knowledge,
or how often we attend church,
or how much we gave,
that proves our union with Christ
to the world around us.
It is just one thing:
our ability to show love
to the difficult people in our lives.
Luke 6:32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
Luke 6:33 "If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same...
Luke 6:35 "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.
In other words,
the real measure of our maturity in Christ
is found in how we handle
the difficult relationships in our lives.
So, with that to help us get this whole discussion into perspective,
let me try to offer a few principles
that can help.
I think difficult people in our lives
tend to fall into several broad categories.
1. There are those people in our lives who have hurt us in some way.
2. There are those who hold positions of authority over us and who do not use that authority in ways we think is right.
3. There are those who have in some way infringed on what we believe to be our rights.
4. There are those whose ideas, values, or belief systems are radically different from our own.
5. There are those who are demanding from us something we cannot deliver.
6. There are those who have something we want or believe we need and refuse to give it.
I’m sure there are other categories we could plug in as well,
and sub-categories we could divide these 6 into,
but that will give us enough to work with for now.
And keep in mind
that my only purpose here
is to establish the few foundation principles
that will get us moving in the right direction.
And at the head of the list is this:
1. We must begin by understanding and accepting God’s goal for us in that difficult relationship.
Until we understand and accept God’s goal
it will be impossible to make any positive progress in the relationship.
I’ll offer a statement of what God’s goal is in a few minutes,
but it might be helpful if we begin
by mentioning some of the destructive goals we often cling to as alternatives.
If your goal in the relationship is to win,
to somehow defeat the other person
and ultimately come out on top,
that difficult relationship
will only become more and more difficult.
Oh, you may win the battle.
But the battle will possess and consume you in the process.
If your goal is to get even with the other person
for a wrong they have done against you
it will bring far more emotional destruction into your own life
than it ever brings into theirs.
If your goal is to prove them wrong
or somehow crush them under the weight of your overwhelming logic
and proof,
and intellectual power,
you may win the debate,
but you will destroy the relationship in the process.
In other words,
if we are determined to cling to the goal of winning
in this battle with the other person
we may win the battle,
but we will never discover true victory in the relationship.
Rather than finding freedom
we will create for ourselves
an inner emotional bondage
that will dominate our life.
Some of the most hateful,
spiteful,
vindictive people I have ever met
have been church people
armed with the TRUTH,
determined to use that truth
to get something they want
or to defeat someone they view
as being their enemy.
The real challenge with all truth
is not just to know it,
but rather to know how to present it
in a way that makes it accessible
to the other person.
Paul says it better than I do:
Eph. 4:15 ... speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ...
With the presentation of all truth
the goal is not just to present the facts,
and it is certainly not to use those facts
as a weapon with which
we then defeat the other person.
The goal is to clothe that truth
in a love that makes it accessible
to the one we are trying to reach.
OK, now all I’ve really said so far
is that in all difficult relationships
as long as our goal in that relationship
is to win
or to prove them wrong
or to defeat them
it will always be a difficult relationship,
and most likely get more difficult
as time progresses.
As long as getting what we want
is more important to us
than redeeming the relationship
there is no hope for healing in that relationship,
and there is nothing further God can say to us
until we are willing to reexamine our goals.
EX. I enjoy watching the Super Bowl
as much for the ads
as for the game.
Did you happen to see that ad
for some cruise line
in which they open with a picture
of this cruise liner,
and then across this beautiful
Caribbean cruise scene
they flashed a series of sentences that said...
"You have just watched 22 weeks of football."
"Isn’t it time you made it up to your wife...before you get traded?"
I did think it was a cute ad.
But underlying it I also saw
why so many relationships
work so pathetically.
Here was the man with his nonnegotiable agenda -
"I want my football."
Then, when he’s gotten what he wants,
he’ll figure out how to try to patch up
whatever damage it has put on his relationship with his wife.
My wife, Sandee, shared with me
a real life example of the same type of thing
that she encountered a few days ago.
She happened to meet a young lady
who mentioned she and her husband
weren’t speaking to one another at present.
Her husband was involved in some sort of
Internet game competition,
but there was no way he could win the game he was involved in
without getting about $4000.00 worth
of new computer equipment -
the stuff he already had was just too slow.
The two of them talked it over
and agreed that this was no time
for them to be spending $4000.00
on a new computer
just so he could win some game.
Then, without asking her,
he cashed in some stocks,
and went out and bought the computer.
If I were to ask him to name the "difficult people" in his life right now,
who do you think he would put at the top of his list?
"Talk about difficult people! She won’t even talk to me!"
But the one thing I want us to see this morning,
as we begin to talk about difficult people in our lives,
is that all healing in difficult relationships begins at the attitude level.
As long as getting what we think we want
is more important to us
than growing in the relationship
there will be no healing.
As long as winning
is more important to us
than growing in the relationship
there will be no healing.
And just to keep things lined up correctly in our minds,
let me state the obvious.
So what if we choose getting what we think we want
rather than choosing the relationship?
So what if we choose winning
over the relationship?
Perhaps the best response I could ever give to that
is simply to have us all
to recall the last time we made that choice
and then ask how it affected us.
How do you think that young husband will feel
when he gets up from winning his internet game
and discovers he may very well
have lost his marriage in the process.
Our Lord said it all so simply:
Matt. 22:37 And He said to him, "' You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
Matt. 22:38 "This is the great and foremost commandment.
Matt. 22:39 "The second is like it, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
In two sentences He revealed to us
the two greatest needs in our life:
a love relationship with our God
and a love relationship with the people in our life.
Without those,
nothing in life can satisfy.
Obviously we are going to need one more week for this little Difficult People diversion,
but this morning I want to state
as clearly as I possibly can
the first great, crucial step
in dealing with all difficult people in our lives -
and that first step is to choose to accept
the correct goal,
God’s goal for the relationship.
And what is that goal?
It is choosing to believe
that this relationship
is more important than our rights
our things,
or our ideas,
more important than getting what we want,
and more important than winning.
Now, we haven’t had time yet
to talk about the freedom that comes through forgiveness,
or about establishing healthy boundaries in our lives,
or about trusting God to work through the authorities He has placed us under,
or about the greatest single tool
God has given us for disarming
the power our enemies have over us.
Those are all powerful,
practical tools for dealing with
the difficult people in our lives,
tools we’ll look at next week.
But I’ll tell you right now,
all of those tools are worthless
until we first deal with our underlying attitude toward that relationship.
If we view the other person
as someone to be used
or manipulated
or defeated
all the relationship tools in the world
will not help us.
Only when we choose the establishment
of as healthy a relationship as possible
for our highest goal
will we begin to find
the healing,
and freedom,
and true success in our relationships
that we long for so desperately.
When I announced my topic today
of dealing with difficult people
some of you had one person
instantly jump into your mind.
I don’t know who its.
I assure you,
I don’t want to know.
For all I know, it’s ME!
If what we do next week
is to be of any value to you
I would strongly encourage you
to begin today
by choosing the redemption
and restoration of that relationship
as your highest priority
in any future dealings you have with that person.
I know there are some of you
who recoil at even the suggestion of such a thing.
Your hurt
or your fear
or your bitterness because of what they did to you
makes you detest the thought of any positive move towards them.
But for those of you
who have grown weary
of the emotional bondage that relationship has created in your life,
I want you to know God can show you
the pathway to freedom.