(Lights out. We hear a news broadcast with sound effects.)
Newscaster: And now, here's the latest from Wall Street: Thirty days after the Ex-Con Low-peez fish spill, the worst such disaster in American history, government officials say nothing is being done to clean up the mess. All over the country, environmentalists are demonstrating against Ex-Con and tearing up their prescriptions for fish oil. Ex-Con's chairman of the board, Gloria S. Obie, is personally flying to Low-peez today to take charge of the situation. Those who stand to lose the most because of the fish spill are the independent oil men of Low-peez. Eleven million pounds of fish, left untouched to rot on the beaches have begun to leech into the soil and contaminate the oil fields. Gasoline customers in California, attempting to fill their tanks, are fainting dead away from the stench. Meanwhile, billionaire junk bond artist, Robin Steele, who a month ago was on the verge of taking over the giant Ex-Con Corporation, has dropped out of sight completely. Wherever he is, Mr. Steele is probably happy today that he doesn't own Ex-Con, whose stock has dropped from seventeen dollars to three dollars in the one month since the spill. More news after this message.
Commercial: (Lush music, a woman's voice:) Have you stopped taking your daily dose of fish oil to protest the Ex-Con Low-peez fish spill? We at Ex-Con are sorry and we take full responsibility. But don't let slanted news reports fool you. The fact is we have one hundred thousand men and a hundred million tons of equipment on scene in Low-peez to deal with the situation. Furthermore, Ex-Con scientists have discovered that fish is a biodegradable product that will dissipate naturally into the environment. So worry no more. And if your friends are still boycotting Ex-Con, send us their names and addresses and we'll make sure they get the message. Ex-Con Fish-Oil, is the all natural way to clean out your pipes. Try some today. (Lights up on Robin Steele who stands in front of the curtain dressed in his fancy suit. He holds his overalls in his hand and paces worriedly.)
Steele: Drat, darn, bugabaloo and fishcakes! I've been here for a month and Purity still refuses to have me. She thinks Alaska Joe will come back, but he hasn't even poked his head in the door for all this time. And Ex-Con isn't mine yet because the stock hasn't hit two dollars. But it will soon. (Laughs villainously). And I won't buy it any sooner because being bought out for two dollars is the ultimate insult. That's what Gloria deserves: the ultimate insult. (He slips into his overalls leaving his fancy suit underneath.) Gloria is coming up here today. Things got so bad she stopped sending her guns and decided to come in person. She thinks she's smart. She IS smart. She's her old man's daughter, al right. But she's not as smart as Robin Steele. (Laughs villainously). She's finished!
(The curtain opens behind him. The set is the same as in Act One. Purity, in her apron, is alone on-stage.)
Steele: (Goes upstage to the bar to get an apron of his own. He speaks to her in his regular voice). There you are, my beauty, my lovely, my angelic Purity.
Purity: Keep away from me you lecherous bartender, you!
Steele: When will you wake up and realize that I love you and that I am the best thing that ever happened to you?
Purity: I love Alaska Joe. Someday he'll come back to me.
Steele: I'm rich. I'm famous, I tell you. I can offer you so much more -
Purity: I'm sick of your rich and famous routine, Elmer. And I'm sick of your phony upper class accent and putting on airs. Talk like your regular self, will you?
Steele: But this IS my regular self, my dear. That Elmer Jones character is just a put-on. I am Robin Steele, billionaire and Wall Street kingpin!
Purity: Sure, and I'm the Queen of Sheeba. Give me a break, will you.
(The door swings open and three men enter. They are newsmen and they carry loads of tape recorders, video recorders and lights, microphones, etc. They set up their equipment all over the stage.)
Newsman 1: Good afternoon, everybody. Today you will have the privilege of entertaining a major news event in your establishment.
Purity: We will?
Steele: (In his folksy accent): What's agoing on, boys?
Newsman 2: We're the news media.
Purity: What's all this stuff?
Newsman 3: Our equipment.
Newsman 1: We're going to hold a nationally televised news conference right here in the next few minutes.
Purity: Why?
Newsman 2: Gloria S. Obie is arriving.
Purity: Who is Gloria S. O. B?
Newsman 1: Not Gloria S.O.B, young lady, it's Gloria S. Obie.
Newsman 2: Remember that.
Purity: Who is she?
Newsman 2: You've never heard of her?
Newsman 1: She's the chairman of the board of Ex-Con.
Newsman 3: You better roll out your red carpet, honey.
Purity: That makes her an important woman?
Newsman 1: Let's put it this way: when she has supper with the Queen of England, the Queen does the dishes.
Newsman 3: (Aims his video camera at Purity and turns it on). Excuse me, mam, but I'd like to get some footage of the local folks. Would you please tell the camera what you think of Ex-Con's clean-up of the spill so far.
Purity: Oh, okay. (Into the camera, suddenly vehement:) I think it's shameful. Imagine leaving all that fish out there to rot. I've never seen anything like it! Plus, we're in the tourist trade here, and an environmental disaster like this could ruin our business. Ex-Con will have to PAY!
Newsman 3: Have you gone to the Ex-Con claims office to file a claim against them?
Purity: No, I've been too busy here at the lodge, what with all the increased business and all.
Newsman 2: (Trains his camera on Robin Steele and talks to him). And you, bartender, what do you think of all this?
Steele: (In his folksy accent, to the camera): I think all you stockholders out there should up and sell your Ex-Con stock right away. That'll teach 'em a lesson, all right!
Newsman 2: Thank you, sir,
(Enter a woman wearing an identification badge and holding a clipboard. Newsman 1 immediately trains his camera on her. She smiles and knows what to do.)
Newsman 1: Hello, Miss Boondoggle.
Janet: Oh, hello.
Newsman 2: (Into his own microphone:) And here comes Janet Boondoggle, coordinator of the Low-peez Field Office of the Environmental Control Division. Good afternoon, Miss Boondoggle, what can you tell us about the E.C.D. mission here in Low-peez?
Janet: The E.C.D. is authorized by the B.V.D. to monitor any situation in which there is an O.P.B. or an S. L. B. Of course, U.S. G.F. has authority over the R.Q.T., but as far as the O.B.J.'s are concerned, they definitely S.O.L. That is why we have set up five banks of the most advanced computers right here in Low-peez. You can be sure your E.C.D. is out there doing the real work that needs to be done.
Newsman 1: And what work is that?
Janet: Gathering data, of course.
Newsman 1: And what data are you looking for right now?
Janet: At the present moment, we are attempting to ascertain the whereabouts of the one hundred thousand men and ten million tons of equipment that Ex-Con claims to have sent up here. So far, most of it has eluded us, but if it's out there, we'll find it. We have hundreds of planes and boats and thousands of men out there looking for it daily.
Newsman 1: If the E.C.D. has hundreds of planes and boats and thousands of men, why don't you just clean up the spill yourselves? . . .